Sunday, October 05, 2008
Rich Lowry, Editor
215 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York 10016
Thank God I’m not alone!
I thought I was the only man on the planet who had fantasies about mid-forties Republican babes with beehive hairdos and librarian glasses and tight-fitting black dresses, smiling and batting their eyes at me and saying “Doggone it!” and “You betcha!” while they’re wrapped in nothing but an American flag and vigorously thumping a bible! But your article in the National Review reminded me that we all have certain “feelings” and it’s perfectly normal.
I was starting to worry that I was some sort of sicko! I thought, “Anybody who could think what I was thinking while watching a middle-aged grandma talking about Henry Kissinger must be seriously warped!” That’s why I was so relieved when you said in your article:
“I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, "Hey, I think she just winked at me."
Well, you weren’t the only male, Rich. I have to admit, I became more erect on my couch, too. I usually don’t share these “feelings” with other men--it’s pretty personal--but from what you said, I think we have a lot in common and I can trust you, Rich.
Hey--can I call you Rich?
Here’s when I knew you and I have a lot in common, Rich. It’s when you said:
“By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America.”
I’m curious--do you remember the exact moment the starbursts started ricocheting in your living room? I can tell you when they started ricocheting in my living room. It was when Sarah winked at me and said:
“The surge is working.”
Boy, was it ever! And just when I started to surge, Sarah winked again and said:
"I know education you are passionate about with your wife being a teacher for 30 years, and god bless her. Her reward is in heaven, right?"
I have to admit I was getting pretty passionate too, and I was close to my reward right here on earth! And it wasn’t about Biden’s wife being a school teacher, either! There’s just something about Sarah speaking in broken sentences that drives me wild!
You finished your column by saying:
“This is a quality that can't be learned; it's either something you have or you don't, and man, she's got it.”
Rich, man to man, who do you think is the hottest Republican babe of all time?
I used to think Ann Coulter was pretty hot, but I just don’t go for the dominatrix in leather type.
Laura Ingraham is a looker, but she’s too much of a know-it-all. I like my Republican babes to be cute and perky, but I don’t want them going around reading newspapers and quoting the Bush Doctrine!
Laura Bush? Librarian with a lobotomy.
No, Rich, I think we agree, if you or I could get a 3 a.m. phone call from any Republican babe, we’d choose Sarah! I’ll make you a deal: If she ever calls you at 3 a.m., promise to let me know! I write her a lot, so who knows? Maybe she’ll call me at 3 a.m, and then I’ll let you know. Wouldn’t you love to get woken up to:
“Hi Rich, it’s Sarah. It’s late and I’m so doggone restless. Hey Rich, I’m wiggling my nose and winking at you right now. You betcha!”
While we’re talking man to man, Rich, can I share a secret fantasy with you? Here it is:
I hope when Sarah gets elected, she poses for Playboy magazine:
Name: Sarah Palin
Occupation: Hockey mom, PTA member, Vice President of the United States
Experience: Heck! I’ve got plenty! I’ve got five kids and a grandkid in the oven!
Hobbies: Moose hunting, drilling for oil in environmentally sensitive areas, shooting wolves from helicopters.
Turn offs: Democrats, gays, birth control.
Turn ons: White, pasty faced editors of conservative magazines; neighborhood grocers who write cranky, right-wing letters.
Anyway, Rich, I’m glad you shared your feelings, and it feels good to get mine off my chest. Let us pray that Sarah gets elected and for the next four years, we men will all be sitting a little straighter on our couches!
The surge is working!
P.S. Did you notice when Sarah hugged Henry Kissinger, he got a little straighter, too?
P.P.S. Could you please send a picture? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite voyeur. He likes you even better than Pee Wee Herman!