Monday, September 22, 2008
President Sarah Palin
Alaska State Capitol Building
P.O. Box 110001
Juneau, AK 99811-0001
Dear President Palin,
You read my letter, you took my advice, and it’s working!
Last week I told you the presidency was within your grasp! I said all you had to do was keep dragging Old McWhatshisname out on tour with you till he’s huffing and puffing and gasping for air. I advised you to keep “workin’ on him” and “pushin’ him” till he can’t keep up. I advised you to invite him for a workout in the gym. Wear him out, I said, and the presidency will be yours!
Sure enough, a few days later you were stumping with Old McWhathisname. You looked fresh as a newborn moose, while Old McWhathisname looked like he wished he could sneak away to the local shuffleboard tournament.
And when it was your turn to speak, you said something that made me know you had not only listened to my advice, but you were way ahead of me! Here’s what you said:
“That’s exactly what we’re going to do in a Palin and McCane administration!”
That’s why you’re running for president, and I’m just a humble neighborhood grocer! Any politician knows you have to take your message directly to the people!
And that’s what you did, Madame President! While Old McWhatshisname was dithering around, confusing Spain with Venezuela, you captured the headlines by selling the “Palin and McCane administration” to the American people!
Then you pushed your message even further! You told the crowd about “my running mate,” and Old McWhatshisname didn’t even notice! He was too busy taking his extra ginkgo biloba so he could remember if he was for regulation or against it.
The crowd loved you! They cheered and cheered! And when Old McWhatshisname got up to speak, everybody acted like when grandpa starts talking about his dentures. They all... just... sort of... went home. Here’s what Kay Henderson from Radio Iowa said:
"I look up, about five minutes into McCane's address and see a steady stream of people walking out of the rally."
You’re playing this perfectly, Madame President! Stealing the presidency from Old McWhatshisname will be as easy as shooting wolves from a helicopter!
But I see an opportunity on the horizon and you must remember: In China, the word for “opportunity” is “crisis.”
Or is it the other way around? I think the Chinese say a “crisis” is an “opportunity.”
I’m getting mixed up because My President says an “opportunity” is a “crisis.”
Anyway, you have an opportunity and I can sum it up in one word:
DON’T LET TODD PALIN HONOR HIS SUBPOENA AND TESTIFY IN TROOPERGATE!
Here’s why: It wouldn’t look vice-presidential. You remember in my last letter, I advised you to make Todd your vice-president. How would it look if our vice-president had to get up like a common citizen and be humiliated before a witch hunting panel of two Democrats and three Republicans?
INVESTIGATOR: Mr. Palin, is it true that you and your wife contacted Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan on numerous times with the intent to pressure him into firing state trooper Mike Wooten who was involved in a custody battle with Governor Palin’s sister, and when Commissioner Monegan refused to fire Wooten, Governor Palin fired Monegan?
TODD: Go f*** yourself!
Whoops! That’s not Todd--that’s what Dick Chainy said to Senator Patrick Leahy when Leahy asked him about those no-bid Halliburton contracts in Iraq.
Chainy also said, “Go f*** yourself!” to the U.S. District judge who asked him to please please pretty-please hand over the documents from his secret energy meetings.
Chainy also said, “Go f*** yourself!” to Patrick Fitzgerald when he asked Chainy to please please pretty-please testify under oath in the Valerie Plame CIA outing case.
Chainy also said, “Go f*** yourself!” to the Senate Judiciary Committee when they asked him to please please pretty-please turn over his documents on the secret wiretapping program.
But Chainy would never say “Go f*** yourself!” to the investigator at a hearing. He’d say it to the committee BEFORE the hearing when they asked him to please please testify, pretty please.
And here’s what Todd Palin should say to the committee that subpoenaed him:
“Go f*** yourself!”
It’ll look vice-presidential! It’ll make everybody forget all about Old McWhatshisname! And it’ll show America that a Palin/Palin ticket will be ready to lead from Day One!
By the way, when you become president, I have a perfect slogan for your Abstinence Only program:
“GO F*** YOURSELF!”
Trust me--it’ll work! If all those teenage kids use the “GO F*** YOURSELF!” birth control method, you’ll put all those abortion doctors out of business faster than you can say, “Shotgun Marriage!”
P.S. Could you please send a picture of yourself with Todd? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite presidential running mates. He likes you even better than the Palin/McCane ticket!