Tuesday, September 16, 2008
John McCane 2008
P.O. Box 16118
Arlington, VA 22215
Dear Senator McCane,
Thank you for talking me down off the ledge!
Last night, I was laying awake worrying that the banks are crashing and the stock market’s crashing, and people are losing their homes, and people are losing their jobs, and gas is heading for $5 a gallon, and America is owned by China and Saudi Arabia, and nobody’s shopping at my neighborhood grocery store because they can’t afford a pack of gum!
I went downstairs and turned on the TV, and there you were! You were talking about the economy, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when you said:
“You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie.”
Whoops! Wrong quote. That was what My President said to the FEMA director when New Orleans was drowning. Here’s what you said:
“A terrorist resides in Baghdad... A day of reckoning is approaching... Very obviously Iraq is the first country... Next up, Baghdad!”
Whoops! Wrong quote again. That was what you said right after Bin Laden attacked us on 9-11. Here’s what you said that made me stop worrying about the economy:
"The fundamentals of our economy are strong."
I laughed at myself for being so silly. Who cares if the stock market went down 500 points in one day! Who cares if the liberal media say this is the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression! Who cares that My President’s base was like a bunch of teenagers at a party where the parents supplied the booze! Here’s what My President said about His base last July:
"Wall Street got drunk... It got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."
Speaking of My President, congratulations for the special honor you received, and I think you know which one. My President’s brain, Karl Rove gave you a huge compliment the other day. Here’s what he said:
"McCane has gone in some of his ads -- similarly gone one step too far, and sort of attributing to Obama things that are, you know, beyond the '100 percent truth' test."
Stand up, Senator McCane! Kudos from the master! Karl Rove’s the guy who spread the rumor that you fathered an illegitimate black baby, and now he’s handing you his gold medal! This is like Einstein saying, “Whoa! That guy’s really smart!”
This is like Bill Gates saying, “Whoa! That guy’s really rich!”
This is like Paris Hilton saying, “Whoa! That girl’s really a slut!”
But back to the economy. Yesterday was the worst day for the stock market since the S & L crisis. The S & L crisis happened when your friend, Charles Keating bilked the government out of billions of dollars. He’s the guy the Keating Five was named after. The Keating Five were five senators who scratched Keating’s back so he’d scratch theirs. The Senate Ethics Committee said three of them had interfered with the Federal Home Loan Bank Board’s investigation of Keating’s Lincoln Savings, and they eventually lost their jobs. The other two got off.
And it’s a good thing they did because if they didn’t, you wouldn’t be running for president today! One of them was you!
The Senate Ethics Committee only said you had “bad judgment.”
I just can’t get over what Karl Rove said about your ads! That’s like Dick Cheney saying, “Whoa! That guy’s really evil!”
But back to the economy. I love My President more than life itself, but let’s be adults here--I know the score. You have to distance yourself from Him to get elected! That’s why I thought you did the right thing when you said:
"Those fundamentals are threatened, they are threatened and at risk, because some on Wall Street have treated Wall Street like a casino."
You see! My President says Wall Street is a like bunch of drunks, but you put your foot down and said, “No, Mr. President! I respectfully disagree! Wall Street is not like a bunch of drunks! It’s like a casino!” That’s the way to show America you’re your own man and you can fix all these problems!
Hoo boy! Karl Rove said you were over the top! That’s like My President saying, “Whoa! That guy’s really stupid!”
Back to the economy. Did you hear the question the Elitist Islamo-Fascist Pedophile Celebrity Cultist Barack Hussein Obama asked? Here’s what he asked:
"How can John McCain fix our economy if he doesn't understand it's broken?"
Obama’s so out of touch with the average American! If he was smart, he’d listen to you when you said:
"The old-boy network and the corruption in Washington is directly involved and one of the causes of this financial crisis that we're in today. And I know how to fix it and I know how to get things done."
And you do! When you become president, you’ll fix the economy faster than you can say, “Keating Five!”
Can you believe that Karl Rove? Him saying you “went beyond the 100% truth test” is like you saying, “Whoa! That guy’s really old!”
Your biggest fan,
P.S. I’m glad to see you sent the Hockey Mom off on her own. With the smaller crowds, you won’t have to strain your voice as much.