Sunday, September 14, 2008
John McCane 2008
P.O. Box 16118
Arlington, VA 22215
Dear Senator McCane,
Have you seen My President lately? He looks old! He looks almost as old as you!
Well, I take it back. He doesn’t look that old. But He looks almost as old as you did when you were his age ten years ago. I guess being president and annihilating sovereign countries and killing hundreds of thousands of people and displacing two million more and torturing people and wrecking an economy and wrecking the environment can really take its toll on a guy!
But let’s talk about you. You’ve been looking really tired lately and this presidential race has been taking its toll on you, so I need to give you a piece of advice that even your best friends won’t give you. Put on your reading glasses because here it is:
WATCH OUT FOR THE HOCKEY MOM! SHE WANTS YOUR JOB!
There is an evil force at work, sir! This force is trying to undo 72 long, hard years of service to the American people! This force is young and pretty and has a winning smile! But, like Eve, she will cajole and entice you with treachery and deceit, and when you least expect it, she will pull the rug right out from under your prosthetic shoes! I can sum up this evil force in one word, and here it is:
The Hockey Mom!
Have you noticed the huge crowds the Hockey Mom is getting? Have you noticed the energy she’s stirring up? Have you noticed how tired you’re getting trying to keep up with her on her whirlwind tour?
Do you think this is an accident? Before the Hockey Mom came along, you were happy to hang out in some hodunk diner, eating peach pie and telling old war stories to the locals. But now, she’s got you chasing around from one time zone to the next, and you can hardly catch your breath! In the meantime, the Hockey Mom is as perky as a prom queen, smiling and waving and never breaking a sweat. And just when you think you might take a nap, she shakes you and says, “C’mon, McCane. We’ve got another stadium to fill!”
At least if you were having an affair with her, you could use Viagra to get you by for a while. But there is no drug that can help you keep up with the Hockey Mom!
The Hockey Mom is trying to do you in, sir, just like Anna Nicole Smith did in the billionaire J. Howard Marshall when she was 26 and he was 89. It only took her 13 months to wear him out!
But Carl, you say, the Hockey Mom is on my side. She agrees with me that we should Bomb-Bomb-Bomb, Bomb-Bomb Iran. She agrees with me that we shouldn’t “second guess Israel” even if they nuke Sweden. She agrees with me that we’re fighting in Iraq because we have to "defend the innocent from the enemies who planned and carried out and rejoiced in the death of thousands of Americans."
And I say to you, Senator McCane, put in your hearing aid and listen carefully! Remember when the sexist Charles “Charlie” Gibson asked the Hockey Mom about drilling in ANWR? Here’s what she said:
“I’m gonna keep workin’ on that one with him. We’re gonna agree to disagree but I’m gonna keep pushin’ that and I think...uh...that eventually we’re all gonna come together on that one.”
She’s workin’ on you, sir. She’s pushin’ you, sir. Isn’t this making you tired?
She’s workin’ on you with global warming, too. Here’s what she said:
"I’m not one who would attribute it to being man-made."
The Hockey Mom doesn’t think anything is man-made--even the gas pipeline she wants! Here’s who’s going to make it:
"I think God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that."
Here’s what else the Hockey Mom is praying for: That she will inherit your crown! But she’s not going to leave that one up to God--she’s gonna keep workin’ and pushin’ till she wears you out!
I know it’s hard to remember everything I said, so keep this letter to remind you! Next time you’re out on a marathon tour with her, pay attention to the little signs. Signs like how the crowd treats her like a rock star and treats you like their grandpa telling them his favorite gravy recipe. Signs like how she steps in front of you when you’re waving to the crowd. Signs like when she hugs you, she squeezes too hard. Signs like when you’re walking off the stage, she “accidentally” sticks out her foot and trips you.
Or signs like when you’re at the diner telling old war stories, how she hauls you away to the next gig just when you were about to have seconds on pie.
Fight back, Senator McCane! Send her back to Alaska to do a campaign tour on the Road to Nowhere! Then you can get back to doing what you do best, which is doing voice-overs approving the message that Barack Hussein Obama is an Islamo-fascist pedophile who wants to drink the blood of your first born!
P.S. Sorry I forgot to wish you a happy birthday when you turned 72. And congratulations! You’ve outlived your father by two years!
P.P.S. Could you please send a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite elder statesman! He likes you even better than Strom Thurmond!