Saturday, September 13, 2008
President Sarah Palin
Alaska State Capitol Building
P.O. Box 110001
Juneau, AK 99811-0001
Dear President Palin,
Did you notice I called you President Palin? It has a nice ring, doesn’t it?
Right now, you’re probably saying, “But Carl, I’m only running for vice president. That Old McWhatshisname is going to be president.”
And I say, “Don’t play coy with me, Madam President. You and I know Old McWhatshisname has three melanomas. Old McWhatshisname can’t keep his Sunnis and his Shiites straight. Old McWhatshisname is cranky and crotchety and older than dirt!”
Last night, I heard you tell the sexist Charles “Charlie” Gibson that you “agree to disagree” with Old McWhatshisname on Arctic drilling. You “agree to disagree” that global warming is man made. You “agree to disagree” on stem cell research. You “agree to disagree” on Roe v. Wade.
Just bide your time, Madam President, and the prize will be yours!
I think it was mistake to go back to Alaska this week. Have you noticed how Old McWhatshisname has slowed down since you’ve been gone? He’s back to ordering bratworst at German delis!
Get back on the campaign trail with him! Keep up the brutal pace! Campaign so hard that even the Rolling Stones couldn’t keep up with you! You’ll have Old McWhatshisname huffing and puffing and gasping for air faster than you can say, “Barack Hussein Obama is a child molester!”
What’s the first thing you’ll do as President Palin? I know you’ll be chomping at the bit to change all the things you agreed to disagree on. But that’s small potatoes. Think big, Madam President! Here’s what you should do:
Make Todd quit his job at BP and become your vice president!
Right now, you’re saying, “But Carl, if I make Todd my vice president, who will take care of the kids?”
And I say, “Stop being so cheap, Madam President!” Hire a nanny! You can afford it! You’ve got that $17,000 you billed Alaska for the nights you stayed at home instead of the governor’s mansion. You’ve got that $43,490 you billed Alaska for your family’s air travel! That oughtta cover a nanny for a while!
You’ve also got that 27 million dollars in earmarks for the Bridge to Nowhere. That comes to $12,680 for every man, woman, and child in Alaska. For your family of seven, that comes to $88,760. Too bad your family didn’t actually get it. That 27 million went to the ROAD to Nowhere.
That was after you said “THANKS” to Congress for the BRIDGE to Nowhere. But then they nixed it, so you said “NO THANKS” and put the earmark toward the ROAD to Nowhere. I hear it looks real good in the aerial photos. That’s the only way you can see it--from the air.
Speaking of Vice President Todd Palin:
Question: What are three things Todd Palin and Levi Johnston have in common?
1) They both have a jail record--Levi Johnson for catching a king salmon out of season and Todd Palin has a DUI.
2) Todd Palin got his teenage girlfriend pregnant (you) and Levi Johnston got his teenage girlfriend pregnant (your daughter, Bristol).
3) They both agreed to marry their pregnant teenage girlfriends so their heads wouldn’t end up on your dad’s wall between a bear and a moose.
Speaking of pregnant teenagers, there is one issue you agree with Old McWhatshisname on:
Abstinence Only--YES, Sex Education--NO.
When Old McWhatshisname was asked if he supported My President’s Abstinence Only program, here’s what he said:
"Ahhh, I think I support the president's policy."
By the way, did you agree with Old McWhatshisname when you cut funding for the teenage mothers’ home, and when you fought to make rape victims in Wasilla buy their own rape kits, or did you “agree to disagree”?
Anyway, I can’t wait till you’re president! Maybe you should invite Old McWhatshisname to join you for a workout in the gym.
Your biggest fan,
P.S. Could you please sent me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite woman president of all-time! He even likes you better than Mackenzie Allen!
P.P.S. Right now, you’re saying, “But Carl, Mackenzie Allen was a fictional character on the TV show, ‘Commander in Chief,’ played by an actress with a memorized script!”
P.P.P.S. And I say, “So, what’s your point?”