Saturday, August 30, 2008
Governor Sarah Palin
Alaska State Capitol Building
P.O. Box 110001
Juneau, AK 99811-0001
Dear Governor Palin,
I just want to be the first to say: Congratulations and welcome aboard! You’re going to be the best vice president since Dan Quayle! If there’s anybody who deserves to be a 72 year-old heartbeat away from the presidency, it’s you! Here’s why:
You’ve been governor of Alaska for almost two years! Before that, you were mayor of Wasilla! You supported Pat Buchanan for president in 2000!
Speaking of Wasilla, I got out my map and my magnifying glass and I found it! I also learned that the town has a total area of 12.4 miles and there are over 6000 people in it. That’s a lot of people! It would only take fourteen Wasillas to fill an Obama speech at Mile High Stadium!
But after you were on the PTA and mayor of Wasilla, you had bigger fish to fry! That’s why you became governor of the whole state! Now you run a budget. Now you run the Alaska National Guard. Now you can drill here and drill now!
But let’s be adults--John McCain didn’t pick you because of your experience. He didn’t pick you because you’re a right-wing Christian snowmobiling hockey mom who likes moose stew. He picked you for only one reason and here it is:
You’re a woman and your name’s not Hillary!
You said it best, when you said:
“I'm not one who would attribute it to being man-made.”
Whoops! Wrong quote. That’s what you said about global warming. Here’s what you said about Hillary:
“Hillary left 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling in America. But it turns out the women of America aren't finished yet, and we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all."
And you, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, are just the person to bring those 18 million cracks on board the Straight Talk Express! Here’s why:
You’re anti-choice, even in the case of rape or incest.
You think creationism should be taught in schools.
You want to drill drill drill in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve.
I know you’re saying, “But Carl, Hillary doesn’t stand for those things.”
And I say, “Yes, but Hillary doesn’t like My President, and you sued My President for protecting the polar bears.” Tell that to the eighteen million cracks and they’ll vote for you and McCain faster than you can say, “Knik Arm Bridge!”
The Knik Arm Bridge is the one you wanted to build when you were running for governor in 2006. It’s a good thing you changed your mind! Now they call it “The Bridge to Nowhere.” If you had kept trying to build it, you’d be on the Bridge to Nowhere right now instead of trying to collect eighteen million cracks for John McCain!
But there’s only one thing I’m worried about and I can sum it up in one word:
You’re going to have to debate him, and he’s going to try to make people think you’re a novice, right wing extremist who doesn’t have a clue about foreign policy. That’s such a cheap shot! My President was a novice, right wing extremist who didn’t have a clue about foreign policy, and look at Him now!
Anyway, be ready! Biden’s going to come out swinging! At some point in the debate, you know he’s going to say:
“I knew Hillary Clinton. I was a friend of Hillary Clinton. And you, Governor Palin, are no Hillary Clinton.”
And that’s when you play gottcha! Here’s what you should say:
“That’s right, Senator Biden. Hillary was never runner-up in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant.”
You see? Remind women of that and you’ll have those eighteen million cracks voting for you faster than you can say, “72 year-old heartbeat away from the presidency!”
P.S. Could you please send an autographed picture? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite celebrity from Wasilla, Alaska. He likes you even better than April Flowers.
P.P.S. April Flowers is a porn star from Wasilla. But she’s not as pretty as you. She never could have been runner-up in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant!
P.P.P.S. Enclosed is a quarter for your campaign. Please send a receipt.