Monday, August 04, 2008
John McCain 2008
P.O. Box 16118
Arlington, VA 22215
Dear Senator McCain,
I know you’re a war hero and you were tortured, and you’re a maverick who wants to Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran, and I know you’re running a brilliant campaign based on the issue that Barack Obama’s picture has been shown in a campaign ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, but with all due respect, my friend, I only have one word to say to you and this is it:
YOU’RE BLOWING IT!
I know, I know--you’re saying, “But Carl, my friend, I’ve explained to the American people that Barack Obama is a traitor who would rather win an election than a war.”
And you’re saying, “But Carl, my friend, I’ve informed the American people that Barack Obama would rather go to the gym than visit the wounded soldiers.”
And you’re saying, “But Carl, my friend, I’ve alerted the American people that Barack Obama is not like them because he’s skinnier than they are.”
Yes, yes, I know that’s true. And you did a great job of tricking Obama into playing the race card when your campaign whispered, “He’s not like us (elitist) he’s not like us (rock star) he’s not like us (arugula).”
But my friend, don’t you understand--people don’t care that Barack Obama is a skinny, arugula eating, troop hating, African-American elitist whose picture has been seen in a campaign ad with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton! There’s only one issue Americans care about--only one issue that’s bigger than the war, bigger than global warming, bigger than the 490 billion dollar deficit, and you’ve completely ignored it! Here it is:
BARACK OBAMA’S EARS ARE TOO BIG!
What’s wrong with you, my friend?! You’re sitting on the biggest wedge issue since Assault Weapons in Pre-School, and you’re asleep at the switch! Instead of being up fifteen points in the polls, you’re worried about carrying Alabama!
Nobody said politics was bean bag, my friend! Toughen up! Fight like a Republican! Remember when My President accused you of fathering an illegitemate black baby? It worked! While My President was in the Oval Office being the Greatest President Since Herbert Hoover, you were stuck in the senate chamber getting your facts corrected by Joe Lieberman!
Be bold! Go for the jugular and attack Obama’s ears! Get on the Straight Talk Express and run the ad every American is waiting for! Here’s the ad you should run:
(Visual of John McCain, smiling in front of a waving American flag)
NARRATOR (sincerely): Ears say a lot about a man, don’t they?
(Pan visual of President George W. Bush)
NARRATOR (slightly sarcastic voice): When was the last time we had a president with big ears?
(Visual of Twin Towers exploding)
NARRATOR (ominously): In these dangerous times, America can’t risk another president with big ears.
(Fade in visual of Barack Obama superimposed over burning twin towers. Have him in a turban--photoshop if necessary--but make sure big ears are prominently displayed.)
NARRATOR (decisively): It’s time America got the president it wants. It’s time America got the president it needs. (Return to visual of John McCain smiling in front of an American flag.) It’s time America got a president with small ears!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, I’m John McCain and I approve this message.
You see? Stop wasting your time with Paris Hilton--you’ll just insult her dad after he gave you all that money for your campaign! Go after Obama’s ears! Then you’ll get elected president faster than you can say, “Keating Five!”
P.S. I think they should remake the movie, “Maverick,” and it should be about you! Who do you think should play you? Not James Garner--he’s too young.
P.P.S. Enclosed is a quarter for your “EARS” TV ad. Please send a receipt.
P.P.P.S. Could you please send a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite. He likes you even better than Joe Lieberman!