Friday, May 02, 2008
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Clinton,
Don’t give up! Fight through the primaries! Fight through the convention! Fight through the inauguration! I can sum up why you have to keep fighting in one word, and here it is:
We have to elect John McCain so we can spread peace and democracy around the world and be SAFE! And the only way we can spread peace and democracy and be SAFE! is stay in Iraq for a hundred years and Bomb Bomb Bomb--Bomb Bomb Iran, and also Bomb Bomb Bomb--Bomb Bomb Syria and North Korea and maybe China too.
And the only way we can elect McCain is to STOP OBAMA! That’s why we have two choices: either you have to win the nomination so McCain can beat you, or you have to mess Obama up so bad that by election day he’ll be hanging a bowling ball from his coat lapel and rolling gutter balls with his American flag pin!
POP BASEBALL QUIZ:
Question: If the New York Yankees finish the season with 90 wins and 72 losses, and the Tampa Bay Rays finish 95 & 67, who gets to go to the playoffs?
Answer: The Yankees! Here’s why: The Yankees won more exhibition games than the Rays.
But Carl, you say, exhibition games don’t count.
And I say we should count the total games--regular season and exhibition. Those working class fans who went to those exhibition games paid good money! Why should they be disenfranchised by a bunch of elitists who say they don’t count? Besides, even if you don’t count the exhibition games, the Yankees should still go to the playoffs, and here’s why:
They won more home games than the Rays.
But Carl, you say, didn’t you just tell me that we should count all the games?
Yes, we should. But you should get more points for home game wins because if you can’t win in your own ball park, what kind of team are you anyway? And besides, if you don’t get extra credit for home wins, then the elitists are disenfranchising all those good working class fans who came to cheer on their team!
And there’s something else we have to factor in: Momentum! Say the Yankees finish their last 12 games 10 & 2, and the Rays finish 6 & 6. Do we really want the Rays to go into the playoffs on a downslide and tank in the first round? The Yankees are on a roll! You can’t negate their last 12 games just because of their first 150!
That’s why we need the board of commissioners to decide! It’s not a matter of right and wrong! There are two sides to every issue! On one side, there are fans who think the team with the best record should go to the playoffs. Then there are some who think that the team with the best combined record of regular season and exhibition games, plus the best home record and the best final 12 games should get in.
This is too important to leave to a bunch of old-fashioned rules that are already in place! Let the pros decide! But if the board of commissioners says the Rays should go to the playoffs, who do you think should go?
That’s right--the Yankees! Here’s why: Mickey Mantle! Roger Maris! The House that Ruth Built! The Yankees are an institution! The Tampa Bay Rays have been in this world for less time than Hannah Montana!
Look at the bottom line! If the Yankees make it to the World Series, ratings will soar! But if the Tampa Bay Rays go, there will be less people watching than a Dorothy Hamill figure skating exhibition!
How did we get going on baseball? I guess with all the politics, everybody needs some distraction. But my point is: Stay in the race! Maybe you’ll get to be vice president! Not for Obama--he doesn’t like you anymore! But ask McCain. Maybe he’ll cut you a deal!
P.S. Could you please send me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Democrat spoiler. He likes you even better than Ralph Nader!