Friday, March 14, 2008
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Clinton,
I wonder if you could help me settle a bet with my wife, Viola. She says you’d rip your mother’s eyes out to become president. I don’t think you would. Could you tell us who’s right?
I have a lot riding on this bet. If I win, Viola has to vote for McCain. I guess you could say I’m a McCain man, even if he is a raging liberal who fathered an illegitimate black baby. The important thing is, McCain never met a war he didn’t like. He likes war even more than you!
My wife used to be for you but now she likes Obama, so if I lose my bet, I’ll have to vote for him! Viola says Obama can walk on water and not even get his feet wet. I don’t believe it. I bet even Jesus got His feet wet when He walked on water!
By the way, John McCain didn’t really father an illegitimate black baby. That’s just something My President made up so He could get nominated. Just like you! Well, not exactly like you. You didn’t spread a rumor that Obama fathered a black baby. Everybody knows he’s got two of them! You just leaked a picture of him in an African costume so everybody would think he’s a terrorist. And when a reporter asked if you if he was a Muslim, you said, “Of course not!” And then you said:
“Not that I know of.”
Anyway, now you can see how important it is that I win my bet! We have to stop Obama from becoming president! He’s not ready! He’s only ready to be vice president! And the only way we can stop him is if you get the Democrat nomination so McCain can win!
That’s why I’m going to give you a tip. Remember when you ran that ad saying it’s 3 a.m. and a little white blonde girl is fast asleep, and the red phone rings in the White House? That ad got voters scrambling to your side faster than you can say, “War on Terror!’
That’s why you’ve got to run another ad! Only this time, it’s 3 a.m. in the White House and the red phone rings, and you roll out of bed to answer it, and there’s a sexy girl on the line, and here’s what she says:
“Is Bill there?”
You see? Knockout punch! We’re all nostalgic for the good old days when we didn’t need to watch the soaps--all we had to do was turn on the news! No doom and gloom about terrorists and war! No worries about the economy in the tank! Global warming? There was plenty of heat right in the White House!
Vote for Hillary! Bring back the golden years of Monica and Paula and Jennifer, when we were safe and TV was fun to watch!
Then, when you beat Obama and you’re running against McCain and a reporter asks you, “Do believe John McCain fathered an illegitimate black baby?” you can say: “Of course not!” And then you can say:
“Not that I know of.”
P.S. I’m still hoping My President to nukes Iran. Then He can declare a state of emergency, suspend the elections, and keep being My President. Is that why you voted to declare the Iranian army a terrorist group? So He could keep His job?
P.P.S. I have another tip for you. The Liberal Media is beating you up because Geraldine Ferraro said:
"If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position.”
It’s not too late! Here’s what you should say: “Well, duh! If Barack Obama was a white man, he’d be a Republican!”
P.P.P.S. Could you send me a picture? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Democrat candidate whose name doesn’t rhyme with Dalai Llama.