Sunday, November 11, 2007
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I bet You can’t guess who my favorite foreign leader is:
It’s General Pervez Musharraf, and here’s why: He’s just like You!
He served in the military. Just like You!
He became leader of his country in a “bloodless coup.” Just like You!
He’s got lots of nukes. Just like You!
One way Musharraf’s not like You is his name. Why do all these foreign leaders have names that are so hard to pronounce? Like that Ack-my-dinner-jihad guy over there in Iran. No wonder You won’t negotiate with him! Why would you want to talk to somebody when you can’t even remember his name?
Is that why You don’t talk to Musharraf much? Remember when You were running for president and that reporter played “gotcha” and asked You to name the leader of Pakistan? Here’s what You said:
"The new Pakistani general, he's just been elected--not elected, this guy took over office. It appears this guy is going to bring stability to the country, and I think that's good news for the subcontinent."
Just like You! Musharraf brought stability to the subcontinent by putting Dr. Abdul-Qadeer Khan under house arrest after he leaked nuclear secrets to Iran. You brought stability to the subcontinent by getting rid of the Evil Dictator, Saddam Hussein, so Iraq could be free to let us build military bases so we could bomb Iran because they came across the border to kill us.
Also, You’ll bring more stability to the subcontinent when You bomb Iran because someday they might be able to build a nuke using the secrets they bought from Dr. Abdul-Qadeer Khan. (He’s under house arrest.)
Musharraf can speak English. Just like You! Well--not just like You. He has a Pakistani accent and You have a Texas accent. Even so, I think Your English is almost as good as his.
Speaking of house arrest, another way Musharraf is just like You is his biggest enemy is a woman. He put his enemy, Benazir Bhutto under house arrest. Maybe You should put Hillary under house arrest, too.
Musharraf likes to dress up in military uniform. Just like You!
One way Musharraf isn’t like You is he suspended the Constitution, declared a State of Emergency, and fired the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
I know, I know--You’re saying, “But Carl, I did suspend the Constitution, and I did declare a State of Emergency. Only I didn’t call it a State of Emergency--I call it: ‘War on Terror.’ ”
And I say to You, “You’re not listening to me, Sir. I said there was one way he’s not like You. And that one way is, he fired the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.”
I’m not saying You should fire Roberts. He’s on our side. Fire Souter, Ginsberg, Stevens, and Breyer. I think four fired Supreme Court Justices is just as good as one fired Chief Justice.
Make that five--fire Kennedy, too. He’s a wild card!
Anyway, You know I think You’re the Greatest Leader of All Time! But even great leaders can keep learning. And I think General Musharraf has some good ideas--especially about suspending elections and beating up trial lawyers. Maybe You should pick his brain.
Also, Musharraf hasn’t caught Bin Laden. Just like You!
Your biggest fan,
P.S. Remember when You went to Yale and You branded fraternity pledges on their butts with a red-hot coat hanger? Remember when a reporter asked You about it, and You said the wounds were “no worse than a cigarette burn”? Well, next time somebody from the Liberal Media asks You if waterboarding is torture, here’s what You should say:
“It’s no worse than a cigarette burn!”
P.P.S. Could You send me a photo? Autographed? In a general’s uniform? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite world leader. He likes You even better than Ach-my-dinner-jihad.