Thursday, November 08, 2007
Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer
313 Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer,
I just want to be the first to say, “Welcome aboard Team W!”
I bet you’re wondering why I’m welcoming you aboard Team W. It’s because you played ball with My President! Here’s what you said:
“I will support Judge Michael Mukasey for attorney general.”
Come on down! High five! We needed a heavy hitter--You can bat clean-up! Here’s what else you said:
“The best we can hope for is someone who is independent, has integrity, will put rule of law first and, above all, will clean the stench of politicization out of the Justice Department.”
And you voted for Mukasey anyway! You’re just the kind of ball player My President needs! I have a question:
What did My President do to make you play ball with Him? Did He have you renditioned? Did He have you waterboarded? Did He check your Google searches?
If My President had you waterboarded, you wouldn’t even know! How could you? It’s classified information!
Even Mukasey doesn’t know what waterboarding is. Here’s what he said:
"I have not been briefed on techniques used in any classified interrogation program conducted by any government agency. For me, then, there is a real issue as to whether the techniques presented and discussed at the hearing and in your letter are even part of any program of questioning detainees."
You see? If My President wanted you to support Mukasey but you weren’t playing ball, so he had you strapped on your back to a board and put a rag over your head and poured water over you until you were choking and couldn’t breathe and thought you were drowning and you finally passed out--if My President did that to you, you wouldn’t know if He was torturing you, and you wouldn’t know if you were being waterboarded! That’s classified information!
Why do you think you, a lowly senator and Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, would know if waterboarding is torture or not when even Mukasey doesn’t know?! If Judge Michael Mukasey, who used to be Assistant Attorney General for Rudy Giuliani, and whose son now works for Giuliani’s law outfit, who swore Giuliani in as America’s Mayor, and who is now an advisor to Giuliani’s presidential campaign--if he doesn’t know what waterboarding is, what makes you think you do?
I bet you’re wondering what the worst day of my life was: It was the day of the 2006 elections. It was worse than 9-11! I was afraid that when you Democrats won Congress, you’d be mean to My President and not let Him spy on people, or torture them, or bomb whatever country He wanted to so He could make us safe and free.
But then Nancy Pelosi said, “Impeachment is off the table.”
Come on down to Team W, Nancy!
Then Harry Reid said he wouldn’t stop funding the Iraq war.
Welcome aboard, Big Harry!
Then Congress voted to call the Iraq Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization so My President could start World War III if He wanted to.
Give me a head butt, Hillary!
Here’s what else you said after you weren’t waterboarded and you decided to play ball with My President:
“The judge made clear to me that were Congress to pass a law banning certain interrogation techniques, we would clearly be acting within our constitutional authority.”
And My President would be clearly acting within His constitutional authority to veto that bill!
P.S. I heard a guy on TV say the Democrats didn’t have any testicles (he didn't say "testicles"--he said a word that starts with “b” and ends with "alls"). He said he’d be happy if the Democrats even had one testicle. You have one, don’t you?
P.P.S. Could you send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You're his favorite Team W ball player!