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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Mr. Rudy (9-11) Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani (9-11) Presidential Committee
295 Greenwich St, #371
New York, NY 10007

Dear Mr. Giuliani (9-11),

     I bet you’ll never guess who I’m voting for to be My Next President:

     It’s you!  (9-11)  Here’s why:

     You’re a tough hombre!  (9-11) You’re so tough, I bet you could beat up Muhammad Ali.  Well--maybe not in his prime, but I bet you could beat him up now. (9-11)

     But here’s the important thing--You’re the only Republican who can beat up Hillary Clinton.  (TERROR!) Mitt Romney couldn’t take her--Mormons can’t beat up anybody!  They fight too fair.  Besides, while Romney was thinking, “Would my base like it if I hit her with a jab or with a hook?” Hillary (TERROR!) would be ripping out his hair and biting off his ear. (9-11)

     Huckabee couldn’t take her--He’s too weak after losing all that weight.  So who’s left--Fred Thompson?  Too fat and lazy!  He’d never get in the shape it would take to hang in for fifteen rounds with that she-witch!  (TERROR!)  John McCain?  He’s old enough to be Hillary’s grandpa!  (9-11)

     That leaves one person who’s tough enough to beat up Hillary Clinton (TERROR!) and that’s you!  (9-11)  I know!  I know!  You’re saying, “But Carl, I’m just a 63 year-old white guy who’s been married three times and never had any combat experience because I got three draft deferments.”  (9-11)  

     Stop being so humble!  You’ve got the height!  (9-11)  You’ve got the reach!  (9-11)  You probably weigh more than her, too!  (9-11)  

     And besides, if she starts scratching your face and gauging your eyes out, (TERROR!) you can always call Blackwater to protect you!  (9-11) They’ll do anything to keep America free and protect us from TERROR! (9-11)

     And let’s say while your Blackwater security team is spraying bullets at Hillary (TERROR!) and they hit a few dozen innocent spectators, and their families sue you because they don’t understand that we’re in a WAR ON TERROR! and sometimes there’s going to be collateral damage and besides--how do we know those spectators were really innocent?  They might have been rooting for Hillary (TERROR!) which would make them TERRORISTS!  (9-11)

     Anyway, if those TERRORIST! families try to sue you, they’re messing with the wrong guy!  (9-11)  They forget--you’re not just another 63 year-old white guy who wants to be president!  You’re a big-time lawyer in a major league law firm: Bracewell & Giuliani!  (9-11)

     You can just call some of your Bracewell & Giuliani (9-11) lawyers who pulled in hundreds of thousands of dollars lobbying for Citgo.  That’s the giant oil company that Hugo Chavez TERROR! controls over there in Venezeula.  (9-11)  They’ll protect you!

    Or you can call some of your Bracewell & Giuliani (9-11) lawyers who lobbied for Saudi Arabia's oil ministry and BMB Munai, which develops oil wells in Kazakhstan. (9-11)  They’ll protect you!

     By the way, does your phone service give you unlimited long distance?  The reason I ask is it could be a pretty expensive phone call to your Brace & Giuliani (9-11) office in Kazakhstan.  Here’s what your Kazakhstan office’s mission is:

"To service oil producers and their lenders in the Caspian Sea region."  (9-11)

     Even if you don’t have unlimited long distance service, I still think you should call them.  You’ve gotten over $250,000 from the fuel industry--more than any other candidate!  You can afford it!  Don’t be such a cheapskate!  (9-11)

     Anyway, I just want you to know you’ve got my vote because you’re America’s Mayor and Mr. 9-11 (9-11) and you’re one tough hombre!  (9-11)  But if My President bombs Iran, I won’t be voting for you.  Here’s why:

     If My President bombs Iran, then we’ll be looking at World War III (or IV or V--depends who’s counting), and then we’ll have a national emergency (TERROR!) and My President will have to suspend the elections--just like you tried to do in New York after 9-11!  (9-11)

     Maybe the Democrats won’t let My President bomb Iran.  (Ha ha, that’s a joke!)  

     Maybe you should tell My President not to bomb Iran so you can do it.  Tell Him it’s not fair that He gets to bomb everybody!  By the time you get to be president, the only country left to bomb will be Kazakhstan! (9-11)

Your biggest fan,
Carl Estrada


P.S. Here’s a quarter for your campaign.  Sorry I can’t give you more--I just got my health insurance canceled. (9-11)

P.P.S. Could you please send a receipt?

P.P.P.S. If My President bombs Iran and declares a national emergency and calls off the elections, could you please refund my quarter? (9-11)

P.P.P.P.S. Could you please send me a photo?  Autographed?  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite 9-11 character!  He likes you even better than Bernie Kerik! (9-11)  

 

 
 
 
 
 


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