Monday, October 01, 2007
FOX News Channel
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Are you okay?
The reason I ask is I heard you had a near-death experience. I know it’s a reporter’s job to take chances--journalism is a risky business! Daniel Pearl got beheaded in Pakistan. Michael Kelly got shot in Iraq. Anderson Cooper cried in New Orleans.
But you outdid them all! You went to the front lines and stared death in the face! You stepped into dark side where no reporter has gone before! You investigated a story that only you, Bill O’Reilly, have the courage to cover! This is what you did:
You ate dinner at Sylvia’s restaurant with Al Sharpton!
And here is what you reported:
“I had a great time, and all the people up there are tremendously respectful . . . I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it’s exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.”
What were you thinking?! Don’t you know it’s your duty to your fans to stay alive?! What if you’d been killed by a gang of rappers? What if the waiter had poisoned your chittlins? What if Jesse Jackson had come in and started a food fight with Al Sharpton?
Then you said:
“There wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-Fer, I want more iced tea’ . . . It was like going into an Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb, and they were ordering and having fun. And there wasn’t any kind of craziness at all.”
I had the same thing happen to me! Last week, my wife Viola and I ate dinner at McDonald’s in Aberdeen, Washington. And there was no difference between the Aberdeen McDonald’s and any other McDonald’s restaurant anywhere in the country! And I didn’t hear anybody scream, “M-Fer, I want more iced tea!”
I did hear one guy scream, “M-Fer, I want my Big Mac!” But he was white.
I have a question: When you ate dinner at Sylvia’s with Al Sharpton, did you eat standing up? The reason I ask is, my wife Viola was reading a magazine called The Nation. And guess who was on the cover?
You! And do you know who else was on the cover? It was some guy named Keith Olbermann. And guess what he was doing?
He was spanking you! Did Keith Olbermann really spank you? I think it was a drawing--but it looked pretty realistic! Your butt was bare and you looked like you were really crying.
I wonder what you did to make Keith Olbermann spank you? Was it because you said:
"I just wish Katrina had only hit the United Nations building, nothing else, just had flooded them out, and I wouldn't have rescued them."
Was it because you got sued for phoning a female employee and saying:
"So anyway, I'd be rubbing your **** and getting your **** really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your **** but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business..."
Or was it because Keith Olbermann thinks you’re the Worst Person in the World? That’s no reason for him to spank you, just because you’re the Worst Person in the World! Besides, you’re not the Worst Person in the World! There are a lot of people who are worse than you! Like Saddam Hussein.
I know, I know--he’s dead. But he was worse than you.
Speaking of Saddam Hussein, remember when you said if they found out he didn’t have WMD(s) that you would apologize to America?
Maybe Keith Olbermann spanked you because you never apologized. Don’t do it! No matter how many times he spanks you and you have to stand up in black restaurants! If you apologize for being wrong about WMD(s), just think of how many other things you’ll have to apologize for!
Be like My President! Where would we be if He apologized for lying about WMD(s)? Where would we be if He apologized for torturing people? Where would we be if He apologized for His two and a half trillion dollar deficit? Now is no time to be soft on terror! Stick to your story!
And stay out of black restaurants! Just because O.J. Simpson wasn’t at Sylvia’s this time doesn’t mean your luck will hold out forever! And stay out of Chinese restaurants, too! I hear they make you eat with chopsticks!
P.S. Tell me the truth. Somebody must have screamed, “M-fer, I want more iced tea!” Maybe Al Sharpton did. Are you covering for him?
P.P.S. Could you please send a photo of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TV journalist. He likes you even better than Keith Olbermann.