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Saturday, September 15, 2007
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

     Congratulations!  You set the record for Most Prime Time TV Speeches on Iraq!  This was Your eighth one, and it was Your best.  Here’s why:

     Just hours before Your speech, that guy You met last week, that Sunni guy from Anbar province, that guy who was leading the fight to kill the Qaedas over there so we don’t have to fight them over here, that guy named Abdul Sattar Abu Risha--he got blown up by a roadside bomb planted near his home.  Then You went on TV and told us:

     "Anbar province is a good example of how our strategy is working."  

     And it is!  It took the Qaedas ten whole days to get that guy Abdul Sattar Abu Risha after he shook Your hand!  They’re desperate!

     By the way, how did You talk that guy Abdul Sattar Abu Risha into shaking Your hand for that picture?  Did you challenge him to arm wrestle?  Did You offer him some extra virgins in heaven?  Did Cheney make him an offer he couldn’t refuse? Just wondering.  You had that big, sunny smile on Your face like when You get an idea for a new extreme interrogation technique, but that guy Abdul Sattar Abu Risha looked like he was thinking, “I wonder if I remembered to pay my life insurance premium?”

     Anyway, You hit the ball out of the park when You said:

     "Anbar province is a good example of how our strategy is working."  

     But not the way people think.  Most people think, “Our strategy is working because Anbar province has run out of cars to bomb.”

     Most people think, “Our strategy is working because all the Iraqis have left the country.”

     Most people think, “I wonder if Britney Spears can make a comeback?”

     But then You said:

 “(Iraqi leaders) understand that their success will require US political, economic, and security engagement that extends beyond my presidency.”

    And a that’s when I knew You’ve been ahead of us from Day One!

POP QUIZ:

QUESTION:  Which statement (made by You) best explains our Iraq strategy?

a)  “To disarm Iraq of weapons of mass destruction.”  
b) “To end Saddam Hussein's support for terrorism.”  
c) “To free the Iraqi people."  
d) “To hunt down the terrorists.”

ANSWER:  None of the above!

     No!  You’ve had a plan all along, and I know what it is!  It’s a strategic plan, a long-range plan, a far-reaching, far-sighted global plan that only You could have thought of!  I can sum up Your plan in one word and here it is:

     Stick it to the Clintons!

     This is why You’re the President of the United States and I’m just a humble, neighborhood grocer!  You have vision, Sir!  Only You knew what You were doing all along!  You’re a baseball man, so let me explain Your strategy to You in baseball-ese:

     Let’s say You’ve got a pitcher--let’s say he’s playing for the Texas Rangers.  Let’s call him “Bush.”  Let’s say Bush is having a bad day and he’s getting shelled by the other team--let’s call them the Baghdad Bad Guys.  Let’s say it’s the ninth inning and the Bad Guys are beating the Rangers 23-0.  Let’s say the Rangers’ manager has had enough, and he yanks Bush and puts in a relief pitcher--let’s call her “Clinton.”  Clinton strikes out the side in the ninth, but the Rangers still lose.  Final score: Bad Guys 23, Rangers zip.  

QUESTION: Who was pitching when the Rangers lost?

     I know, I know.  In baseball, the losing pitcher of record would be Bush.  But this isn’t baseball, Sir, it’s war!  And when You hand Iraq off to Hillary, You can just keep saying, “Who was pitching when we lost?”

     Let me explain Your strategy to You another way:

     Let’s say You’ve got this spoiled brat rich kid--let’s call him “George.”  Let’s say he messes up his room.  I mean, really messes it up!  Let’s say he pees on the carpet.  Let’s say he dumps his ant farm on the bed.  Let’s say he does a science experiment and blows a hole in the wall.  Now, let’s say the spoiled brat rich kid’s parents have hired a nanny--let’s call her “Hillary.”  

QUESTION: Whose job is it to clean up his room?

     You see?  You knew from the day You took over the Oval Office that You were on a Mission from God, and this was it:

Stick it to the Clintons!

     And You’ve done it, Sir!  It’s taken You almost eight years to avenge Your father’s defeat, but by the time You leave office, justice will be Yours!  You will hand the keys to Hillary and say, “Clean up my room!”

     Speaking of the Texas Rangers--remember when You borrowed $500,000 to buy into the Texas Rangers?  Remember when You talked Arlington mayor Richard Greene into raising the sales tax so you could build a new ballpark?  Remember when You helped the Rangers seize 13 acres from private citizens so You could build Your ballpark?  

     Remember when the Rangers had to pay a 22.2 million dollar lawsuit to the people who lost their homes?  By that time, You were governor of Texas, getting ready to become Our President!  You walked away from that plane crash without a scratch!

    And You will again!

Your biggest fan,
Carl Estrada

P.S.  Do You know what a “sycophant” is?  The reason I ask is, that’s what Admiral Fallon, Chief of Central Command and General Patraeus’ boss, called Patraeus.  Just wondering.

P.P.S. I just looked it up.  They say a “sycophant” is “a base or servilely attentive flatterer.”  They also say a sycophant is an “apple polisher, bootlicker, groveler, reptile, toady, yes-man, flunky, stooge.”

P.P.P.S.  Fallon also called Petraeus an “a** kissing little chickens**t.”  Do You know what an  a** is?  Do You know what a chickens**t is?  I looked them up but I couldn’t find them anywhere.  Maybe one of Your Iraqi interpreters would know.

 

 
 
 
 
 


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