Wednesday, August 29, 2007
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
It’s a sad day in America! You’ve “reluctantly accepted” Alberto Gonzalez’s resignation. Fly the flags half staff.
No--on second thought, don’t do that. Somebody might think it’s for the dead soldiers in Iraq.
Say what You want about Gonzalez authorizing torture! Say what You want about Gonzalez firing those eight prosecutors when they refused to stand up for America and help You win the election! Say what You want about Gonzalez "exaggerating the truth" to Congress! Say what You want about how Alberto Gonzalez expanded Your wire tapping authority so You could even spy on Your mother if you wanted to!
You have to admit Alberto Gonzalez had one weakness, and here it is:
He was too soft! He wouldn’t let You have any fun at all! He would only let You use “extreme interrogation techniques” while other countries got to do all the torturing! What fun is being president if You can’t torture people and come right out and say so?!
Who do You think You’ll replace Gonzalez with? I know who You’re thinking, but it won’t work. Michael Vick is going to jail.
What a waste! He would have been perfect! Nobody knows more about torture than Michael Vick! He could have even taught Gonzalez a few tricks. And I bet Michael Vick wouldn’t make You send prisoners to Egypt or Pakistan to get electric shocks! He’d let You do it right there at half time at the Super Bowl!
I know what You’re thinking now. You’re thinking You should pardon him. Michael Vick, not Gonzalez. He hasn’t been charged with anything.
Not Michael Vick--I mean Gonzalez hasn’t been charged with anything.
Anyway, that’s a great idea You have to pardon him--Michael Vick, not Gonzalez--and make him your Attorney General, but it just won’t work. All the Democrats who are soft on dog fighting would have a field day!
I know what You’re thinking now. You could make Larry Craig Your Attorney General. You know--the Republican Senator from Idaho. The Christian family man. The one who proposed the amendment that said marriage should be between a man and a woman. The one who got caught hitting on a cop in an airport men’s room.
Oh well, You’d better blow Larry Craig off. Whoops! I didn’t mean it that way.
Anyway, I know the perfect person for You to pick as Your next attorney general. He loves torture! He loves spying without warrants! He loves firing anybody who won’t stand up for America and help You be president. And, he’s available! He just quit his job so he could spend more time with his family.
Give up? I’ll give You a hint. His initials are T. B.
That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next Attorney General of the United States: “Turd Blossom!” He’s tan! He’s rested! He’s ready!
Get out the cattle prods!
P.S. I hope You didn’t steam this letter open. You didn’t need to--it was addressed to You!
P.P.S. When You spy on Your mother, do You need to get FISA warrant first?