Thursday, July 19, 2007
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Al Qaeda is reloading!
It says right there in the National Intelligence Estimate. Here’s what it says:
“Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside United States.”
Whoops! Wrong report. That was the one You got on August 6, 2001. All I can say is it’s a good thing You were president when that memo came out and not Clinton! Just think--if Clinton had gotten that memo, he might have done something about it, and then where would we be? We’d still be living in a pre-9-11 world! Americans would still be going shopping and watching Paris Hilton and not even know we were fighting a War on TERROR!
Speaking of Paris Hilton, who do you like better--her or Brittany Spears? I think it’s no contest. Paris Hilton doesn’t have any talent at all! She’s just famous for being famous. Brittany Spears can sing! She can dance! I especially like her song, “Whoops, I Did it Again.” I think she’s better looking, too.
The reason I ask is, I’m testing You. I’m sure You’ve read my letter to Nancy Pelosi, so you know she’s taken impeachment “off the table.” Don’t trust her! She’s just waiting for You to slip up and she’ll put impeachment back on the table faster than You can say, “High crimes and misdemeanors!”
I bet You’re saying, “But Carl, I can do whatever I want because I’m The Decider!”
And I say, yes You can, but even Deciders have their limits. You can invade any country You want, You can torture, You can make secret arrests, You can wiretap, You can thumb Your nose at Congress. But there’s one thing that even You can’t get away with, and here it is:
You can’t have sex! I know You’re married, so You are allowed to have sex with Laura (Your wife), but if You said You did that, who would believe You? Americans would never swallow that one (Whoops! I didn’t mean to say “swallow”--just testing You). Be strong! Show some will power! If You get caught having sex, Your enemies will impeach You faster than You can say, “Monica Lewinsky!”
Anyway, in case nobody’s read it to You, here’s what the new National Intelligence Estimate says:
“Al Qaeda is and will remain the most serious terrorist threat to the homeland, as it’s central leadership continues to plan high-impact plots . . . . the group has protected or regenerated key elements of its homeland attack capability, including: a safe have in the Pakistan Federally Administered Tribal Areas (FATA), operational lieuteneants, and its top leadership.”
There’s only one thing to do, and I think You know what it is:
Of course, Your enemies will say, “But Mr. President, You haven’t gotten Bin Laden yet.”
They’ll say, “But Mr. President, the intelligence says Al Qaeda is reloading in Pakistan.”
They’ll say, “But Mr. President, the Saudis are helping the Iraqi Sunnis more than Iran is helping the Iraqi Shiites.”
They’ll say, “You’re stirring up a hornet’s nest.”
To which I say: Bomb Iran! Iran is led by an Evil Dictator! He wants to get WMD(s)! He’s a madman who makes secret arrests, tortures, and spies on his own people! Besides, nobody can pronounce his name! You’d better get rid of him before some wise guy from the liberal media asks if You know how to say “Ahmadinejad.” Remember how much trouble You had saying “Abu Ghraib?” Say what You want about Saddam Hussein--at least You could pronounce his name.
Bomb Iran! It worked in Iraq, it’ll work in Iran, too!
But what do I know? Don’t take my word for it. Ask Chainy. He’ll tell You!
Your biggest fan,
P.S. Don’t forget--no sex! Your enemies will impeach You faster than You can say, “Condoleezza Rice.” Ha ha. Just testing You.