Monday, July 16, 2007
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi
House Majority Leader
2371 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Speaker Pelosi,
I bet you’re wondering who my favorite Democrat is. The reason I bring it up is, last night my wife, Viola asked me, “Carl, isn’t there any Democrat you like?”
And I said, “Me liking a Democrat is like our fourteen year old cat liking the new puppy. It just doesn’t work.”
And Viola said, “There’s got to be at least one Democrat you like--besides me.”
And I said, “Name me a Republican besides me that you like.”
And Viola said, “What makes you think I like you? Anyway, I can think of lots of Republicans I like. Tom McCall, for one.”
“He’s dead,” I said.
And Viola said, “I still like him. I like Abraham Lincoln, too. He was a Republican.”
But Viola got me thinking. There is one Democrat I like, and you’ll never guess who. It’s you! Here’s why:
You said impeaching My President was “off the table.”
All My President’s enemies say He should be impeached. He can’t be impeached! And here’s why:
He never had sex with that woman! My President would never have sex with anybody! Not even Laura (his wife).
You’re probably wondering how I know He doesn’t have sex with her. That’s the trouble with you Democrats. You always want to prove everything with facts! I just go on my gut, and my gut tells me My President doesn’t have sex with Laura (his wife). Just look at her! Would you have sex with her? She never blinks and her voice doesn’t synch with her lips when she talks!
My point is, having sex is an impeachable offense and My President never had sex, so take impeachment off the table! What you Democrats don’t understand is ever since Saddam Hussein attacked us on 9-11, we’ve been living in a post 9-11 world. The only way My President can keep us SAFE! from TERROR! is to make secret arrests and torture people and tap our phones and read our mail and . . . oh, that reminds me . . . excuse me a minute, Mrs. Speaker. . . .
Hello, Mr. President. I’ve been meaning to write You and tell You how great You were in Your press conference the other day. I especially liked it when You said, "I don’t think Congress ought to be running the war. I think they ought to be funding our troops." Homerun! Anyway, I just want to say You’re doing a great job and don’t worry about getting impeached. Nancy Pelosi says it’s “off the table.” I’ll write You soon. Carl
Hi again, Madame Speaker. I hope you didn’t read that. It was personal. Anyway, I just want to say you’re my favorite Democrat because you’re the one person standing in the way of impeaching My President. You and I know, Nancy Pelosi, that the only way to keep America free and preserve this Democracy we cherish is to let My President out CIA spies so He can keep fighting the TERRORISTS! over there so we don’t have to fight them here! Let Him fire prosecutors who won’t play ball at election time! Let Him shred subpoenaed documents! Let My President be My President!
Look at it this way. He’s only got a year and a half to go. What’s the worst that could happen?
P.S. Don’t impeach Chainy either. You know he didn’t have sex with anybody!