Thursday, July 05, 2007
July 4, 2007
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I bet You’re wondering why I haven’t written You in so long. I can sum it up in one word, and here it is:
My wife, Viola.
She told me if I wrote you one more letter, she’d tie me up and
lock me in the closet. Well, that’s exactly what happened! I thought
she was out shopping, and I started writing You a letter telling You to
wait to nuke Iran until October 2008 so you could suspend the
elections, and guess what? Viola burst into the house with three of
her Code Pink friends! They overpowered me, pinned me to the floor,
stuck a needle in my arm, and the next thing I knew, I was bound and
gagged in the bedroom closet!
Well, there I sat in the dark for two long months. Viola brought
me food and water three times a day, and I had to relieve myself in a
bedpan. One day I asked her how long she was going to keep me there,
and here’s what she said: “Until your president leaves the White House.”
I said, “But My President will never leave! He’ll nuke Iran and suspend the 2008 elections!”
And Viola said, “I’ll bring you a flashlight.”
I thought I had about as much chance of getting out as Karla Faye
Tucker Brown, but then I got an idea: Viola has a deep, dark secret
that only I know about. If anybody ever found out, Viola would be in
big, big trouble. So I reminded Viola of her little secret and told
her if she didn’t commute my sentence, someday, some way, her secret
would be told.
And guess what? It worked! She let me out that very day!
Speaking of Karla Faye Tucker Brown, remember her? She was the
first woman to be executed in Texas since 1860. She killed two people
but then she became a Born Again Christian. Just like You!
I mean she’s just like You because she turned Born Again
Christian, not because she killed two people. You didn’t kill anybody
until after You turned Born Again Christian.
Speaking of commuting sentences, when You were governor of Texas,
Karla Faye asked You to commute her death sentence so she could
continue her ministry in prison. Here’s what You said:
"Like many touched by this case,
I have sought guidance through prayer. I have concluded judgment about
the heart and soul of an individual on death row are best left to a
higher authority. . . . May God bless Karla Faye Tucker and may God
bless her victims and their families."
When You were governor of Texas, You executed 152 prisoners. You
were the Babe Ruth of executioners! I made You a list of the prisoners
You executed the last two years You were governor. Sorry--I wanted to
give You a list of Your entire term, but I couldn’t find it. The
record keepers couldn’t keep up with You! Do You remember their
names? Anyway, here’s who You executed in 1999-2000:
Claude Jones, Daniel Hittle, Gary Miller, Tony Chambers, Stacey Lawton,
Miguel Flores, Jeffrey Dillingham, Ricky McGinn, Jeffery Caldwell,
David Gibbs, Richard Jones, John Satterwhite, Oliver Cruz, Brian
Roberson, Juan Soria,
Orien Joiner, Jessy San Miguel, Gary Graham, Paul Nuncio, John Burks,
Thomas Mason, Robert Carter, James Clayton, Richard Foster, James Richardson
Michael McBride, William Kitchens, Tommy Jackson, Timothy Gribble,
Ponchai Wilkerson, Odell Barnes Jr., Betty Beets, James Moreland, Glen
McGinnis, Billy Hughes Jr., Larry Robison, David Hicks, Spencer
Goodman, Earl Heiselbetz Jr.,
Sammie Felder Jr., Robert Atworth, James Beathard, David Long, Jose
Gutierrez, John Lamb, Desmond Jennings, Domingo Cantu Jr., Jerry
McFadden, Alvin Crane, Richard Smith, William Davis, Willis Barnes,
Raymond Jones, Joe Trevino Jr., James Earhart, Kenneth Dunn, Charles
Boyd, Ricky Blackmon,
Tyrone Fuller, Charles Tuttle, Joseph Faulder, William Little, Clydell Coleman,
Jose De La Cruz, Aaron Foust, Excell White, Charles Rector, Norman
Green, Andrew Cantu, Danny Barber, George Cordova, Martin Vega, Troy
Farris, John Moody
Whew! Scooter Libby should thank the Lord that You’ve softened up on crime since You were governor of Texas!
Speaking of lists, I also made You a list of all the brave
American soldiers who have died since June so we could make the world
safe from TERROR! I thought You’d want to check it to see if there’s anybody You know. Here they are:
Pfc Steven A. Davis, Pfc Andrew T. Engstrom, Chf W.O. Scott A.M.
Oswell, Lcpl Juan M. Garcia Schill, 1st Lt. Christopher N.
Rutherford, Sgt 1st Cl Raymond R. Buchan, Lcpl William C. Chambers, Spc
Victor A. Garcia, Pfc Jonathan M. Rossi, SSgt Michael L. Ruoff Jr, Lcpl
Jeremy L. Tinnel, SSgt Robb L. Spc James L. Adair, Sgt William Wayne
Crow, Pfc Cory F Hiltz, Sgt Shin W Kim, Sgt Michael J Martinez, Sgt
Giann C Joya Mendoza, Spc Dustin L Workman II, Staff Sgt Daniel A
Newsome, Cpl Derek C Dixon, Sgt 1st Class Nathan L Winder, Pfc Andre
Craig, Jr Sgt Trista L Moretti, Pfc Henry G Byrd III, Spc Carter A
Gamble Jr, Spc Eric C Palmer, Sgt William E Brown, Phil Campbell, Spc
Derek A Calhoun, Sgt Joel A Dahl, Sgt Chris Davis, Sgt Joel A House,
Spc Joseph P. Kenny, Sgt Jimy M Malone, Staff Sgt Michael D Moody
Jr, Airman 1st Class Jason D Nathan, 1st Lt Daniel P Riordan, Pvt Shane
M Stinson, Sgt Michael J Montpetit, Spc Dominic N Rodriguez, Pfc Daniel
J. Agami, Spc Karen N. Clifton, Pfc Anthony D. Hebert Pfc Thomas R
Leemhuis Sgt Alphonso J Montenegro II Pfc Raymond N. Spencer Jr.,
Pfc Jerimiah J Veitch, Sgt Ryan M Wood, Pfc David J. Bentz, Maj Sid W
Brookshire, Spc Joe G Charfauros Jr, SSgt Darren P. Hubbell, Sgt Shawn
P. Martin, Sgt Frank Sandoval, SSgt Stephen J. Wilson, Spc Darryl W.
Pfc Joshua S Modgling, Sgt 1st Class William A Zapfe, Pfc Larry Parks
Jr., Sgt Eric L. Snell, Pfc Jacob T. Tracy, Pfc David A. Wilkey Jr.,
Spc Zachary A. Grass, Sgt Danny R. Soto, 1st Lt Frank B. Walkup IV,
Pfc Michael P. Pittman, Maj Kevin H Sonnenberg, SSgt Michael A.
Bechert, Cpl Dustin R. Brisky, Spc Farid Elazzouzi, Spc Josiah W.
Hollopeter, Sgt Derek T. Roberts, Pfc Casey S. Carriker, Sgt Richard
K. Parker, Pvt William C. Johnson, Spc Damon G. Legrand, Lcpl Johnny R.
Strong, Lt Col Glade L. Felix, Pfc Cameron K. Payne, Airman 1st Cl Eric
M. Barnes, Cpl Llythaniele Fender, Spc Adam G Herold, Staff Sgt Brian M
Long, Cpl Meresebang Ngiraked, Sgt Cory M. Endlich, Pvt Scott A Miller,
Snr Airman William N. Newman, SSgt Timothy B. Cole, Pfc Shawn D.
Gajdos, Sgt Matthew Soper, Sgt 1st Cl Greg L. Sutton, Tech Sgt Ryan A
Balmer, Sgt Caleb P Christopher, Sgt Andrews J Higgins,Staff Sgt
Matthew J Kuglics, Pfc Justin A. Verdeja, Sgt James C Akin, Staff Sgt
Greg P Gagarin, Sgt Tyler J Kritz, Sgt Robert A Surber, Sgt Kimel L.
Watt, Pfc Joshua D Brown, Spc Romel Catalan, Spc Jeremiah D Costello,
Spc William J Crouch, Sgt Dariek E Dehn, Sgt Shawn E Dressler, Spc
Keith V Nepsa, Staff Sgt Travis W Atkins, SSgt Juan F. Campos, Sgt
Bruce E. Horner
Do You know any of those people? I sure don’t. Sorry--I wanted
to give you the complete list of the 3587 American soldiers killed, but
it took 185 pages! It almost crashed my hard drive! Besides, by the
time You receive this, the list will be longer--I just can’t keep up!
Anyway, I just wanted to wish You and Laura (Your wife) a Happy
Independence Day! And what a day it is! America is free! Iraq is
free! I’m free! And Scooter Libby is free, too!
P.S. What kind of sleep meds do you like? Viola likes Ambien but I
won’t go near the stuff--makes me walk in my sleep. I don’t like
Benadryl, either--makes me gittery. I recommend Lorazapam. You’ll
sleep like a baby!