Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Alberto “Fredo” Gonzales
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
Dear Attorney General “Fredo” Gonzales,
I have a question: Which is your favorite Godfather movie of all time?
I didn’t like Godfather III very much. Maybe it’s because I’m not an opera fan. The first Godfather was my favorite movie of all time until Godfather II came out, but now I give the edge to G-II. I bet you’re wondering why.
For me, it was a tie between G-I and G-II, all the way up to the very end of G-II when Michael Corleone gave his brother, Fredo, a big smooch on the lips, right before he had him whacked. Michael Corleone had to have Fredo whacked because he couldn’t let a man walk around living after he’d smooched him on the lips!
I have another question: Has My President ever smooched you on the lips? The reason I ask is, I heard He has a nickname for you, and here it is:
I don’t think My President would ever smooch you on the lips. I’ve never even seen Him smooch Laura (His wife) on the lips. But He did say this to you:
“You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie.”
Whoops. Wrong quote. That’s what He said to Brownie right before He fired Him for doing a heckuva job saving white people in New Orleans. Here’s what He said to you:
"I do have confidence in Attorney General Al Gonzales."
You see? I think it’s a good sign that he didn’t say, “I have confidence in Fredo Gonzales.” No--he called you “Al.” He doesn’t even call Al Gore, “Al.” Here’s what My President calls Al Gore:
Speaking of the Godfather, remember when Cheney held those secret energy meetings? Remember when Pat Leahy got nosy and wanted to know who Cheney was meeting with? Remember what Cheney said? Here’s what Cheney told Pat Leahy:
“Go f*** yourself.”
Well, Leahy’s getting nosy again! He wants to subpoena Karl Rove and Harriet Miers! Tony Snow says it’s a “fishing expedition,” but here’s what you should say:
“Go f*** yourself.”
Say it to Chuck Schumer, too! That guy’s a bad winner!
Then, fire Schumer and Leahy and advise My President to pardon Scooter Libby and Duke Cunningham. He can make Libby and Cunningham senators and we’ll have a majority again!
I know, I know--you’re saying, “But Carl, The President can’t fire and appoint senators.”
That’s your problem, Al “Fredo” Gonzales! You don’t think big! Don’t you remember when you said My President’s powers as Commander-in-Chief make him:
“. . . the sole organ for the Nation in foreign affairs."
Don’t your remember when you said Congress’ Authorization for Use of Military Force places My President:
“. . . at the zenith of his powers.”
Don’t you remember when you said My President’s power:
“. . . includes all that he possesses in his own right plus all that Congress can delegate.”
After you replace Leahy and Schumer with Libby and Cunningham, let the Republican Senate investigate Leahy and Schumer! Give them a taste of their own medicine! They’ll be bound and gagged and on a plane to Egypt faster than you can say “extreme interrogation techniques!”
By the way, My President says you serve at His pleasure. Just like Monica Lewinsky! She served at Clinton’s pleasure.
Monica Lewinsky didn’t get fired and neither should you!