Sunday, February 11, 2007
Pastor Tim Ralph
New Covenant Fellowship
77 Perry Park Ave.
Larkspur, CO 80118
Dear Pastor Ralph,
It’s a miracle! You cured Ted Haggard!
How did you make him "completely heterosexual" in just three weeks? Did you show him movies? Did you hire “professionals”? Did you force him to stay awake every night and look at naked pictures of Rodney Dangerfield?
I’m not asking just because I’m curious. I think I’ve got a problem, and before I say any more, you have to know I’m not telling you this man to man--I’m telling you sinner to pastor, so you can’t tell anybody! Not even my wife, Viola. Especially not Viola!
This is really hard to talk about, but you’re the only one who can help me. I’ll give you a hint: When I said, “I’m not telling you this man to man,” I pictured your steely blue eyes and your white hair, and I had thoughts.
Hint #2: Remember the movie, “Eyes Wide Shut”? Remember the love scene between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman? When I watched that movie, I had thoughts.
Hint #3: They weren’t about Nicole Kidman.
I have a question: Do you read Playboy magazine? Remember that interview of Jimmy Carter? He said sometimes he lusted in his heart, and that was as bad as actually doing it.
But I bet Jimmy Carter never lusted after Tom Cruise!
Hint #4: Sometimes when Viola’s not home, I play my old Village People albums.
Pastor Ralph, my thoughts torment me day and night! Once I almost went to see Jimmy Swaggart. I thought if anybody could help me, it would be him. But then he said:
“If a man ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died."
I was afraid that while I was confessing to Brother Swaggart, I might look at him “like that,” and then he’d kill me and tell God I died. So I stuffed my thoughts back in my pocket.
Do you believe in synchronicity? Here’s why I ask: Just one day before Brother Haggard got outed by that male prostitute, I was planning to meet him. (Brother Haggard, not the male prostitute.) It’s a good thing I didn’t! Don’t get me wrong--I don’t think Brother Haggard would have killed me if I had looked at him “like that.” But he might have looked at me “like that,” and then he might have ripped off that manly flannel shirt he wears in his promo pictures, and then he’d tear off my butcher’s apron, and then . . . .
Uh oh. There I go again! You see? Pastor Ralph, you have to help me banish these thoughts from my mind before I do something I regret! Make me “completely heterosexual” like you made Ted Haggard!
You cured Brother Haggard in three weeks, but you said, “It was the acting- out situations where things took place.” I never actually acted out--I only have thoughts, so it shouldn’t take me as long. I have a free day next week, but I could squeeze in two days if you think we need more.
Whatever you do, don’t tell my wife, Viola. She’d kill me! Don’t tell Jimmy Swaggart, either. He’d kill me, too.
A Sheep in the Wilderness,
P.S. I didn’t mean “sheep” that way!
P.P.S. I heard Brother Haggard is going to get an on-line degree in psychology. If he can get his degree in three weeks, I’ll go to him instead.
P.P.P.S. Do you think you could send a photo of yourself? Don’t worry--it’s not for me. It’s for my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite healer. He likes you even better than Benny Hinh!