Thursday, November 16, 2006
President (still!) George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President (still!),
Congratulations on Your very first trip to ‘Nam!
I heard You’ve been studying Your Vietnam history while You’ve been there, so . . .
Question: What do You have in common with John Kerry, John McCain, and Max Cleland?
Answer: You’ve all been to ‘Nam!
By the way--great picture of You with Ho Chi Minh! You’re much more photogenic than he is! You have that same look in your eye You had right before they tore down the statue of Saddam. Do you think You’ll tear down the bust of Ho Chi Minh? Make sure the cameras are rolling when You do it!
When I saw that picture of You with Ho, I thought, “My President looks like He’s hearing voices again.” Then sure enough, You said:
“We hear voices calling for us to retreat from the world. . . .These are the old temptations of isolationism and protectionism, and America must reject them.''
The last time You heard voices was when You decided to keep Rumsfeld. Here’s what You said:
“I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."
Since then, I guess the voices told You to fire Rumsfeld. Whose voices were they? Was one of them Your dad? Is he still letting You be the decider, or did he decide that he’d better be the decider for a while?
Anyway, now You’re hearing the voices of voters. The reason I know is, when a reporter asked You what lessons You had learned from Vietnam, here’s what You said:
“We'll succeed unless we quit."
That’s just what the voters said when they spoke on election day! Here was the voters’ message:
“We must send in 20,000 more troops to Vietnam for “one last push!”
The people have spoken! They want want You to win in ‘Nam! With one last push, we can do it! The only reason we lost Vietnam was: We quit!
Also, we only had 450,000 troops. No wonder we couldn’t get the job done! Send 20,000 more troops to ‘Nam and we’ll get over the hump! People forget we were winning! We killed more than a million of their guys, and they only killed 58,000 of ours! That’s a score anybody can be proud of! We just blinked first. It’s just like You said:
“It's just going to take a long period of time for the ideology that is hopeful, and that is an ideology of freedom, to overcome an ideology of hate."
Well, don’t quit this time, Mr. President (still)! If we don’t stop the Communists, dominoes will fall! They’ll spread their ideology of hate near and wide, and the next thing you know, Iraq will be Communist too! Then Iran! Then Syria!
The next thing You know, Bin Laden will turn Communist too, and then where will we be?
No, the only thing to do is Stay the Course! Full speed ahead! Send more troops to Vietnam and fight the Commies over there so we don’t have to fight them over here!
By the way, Your national security adviser, Stephen Hadley says You haven’t come in direct contact with ordinary Vietnamese, but You connected with them anyway. Here’s what Hadley said:
“The President has been doing a lot of waving and getting a lot of waving and smiles."
Don’t trust them, Mr. President (still!)! You weren’t in ‘Nam during the last war, so You don’t know--You can’t tell Your friends from Your enemies! Those people You thought were smiling and waving were probably just trying to get handouts for their babies who were born with birth defects from Agent Orange!
Speaking of Agent Orange--You’ll be fine as long as You didn’t eat any food or drink any water. You didn’t, did You? I hear it’s still contaminated.
Stay the course! Full speed ahead! One last push to save the world from the ideology of hate!