Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wife to My President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mrs. First Lady,
I don’t usually like George W. Bush jokes, but this one’s funny. Want to hear it?
Question: How stupid is George W. Bush?
Answer: He’s so stupid He’s going to raise the troop levels in Iraq.
Ha ha ha! Get it? Nobody would be so stupid as to raise the troop levels in Iraq! Here’s another joke that’s going around:
Question: How crazy is George W. Bush?
Answer: He’s so crazy He’s going to raise the troop levels in Iraq.
Haaaaa! Oh, my stomach hurts! My President--crazy! Just because His father was a good ballplayer and My President wasn’t, and His dad was a successful oilman and My President wasn’t, and Lieutenant Bush was a war hero and My President wasn’t, and President H. W. Bush got in and out of Iraq without starting World War III--that doesn’t make My President crazy! My President has had a few successes too, thank you!
He says He quit drinking. He almost got elected president two times! He owned the Texas Rangers.
I know--you’re saying, “But Carl, My Husband traded Sammy Sosa.”
You see? That’s my point! Just because My President traded Sammy Sosa doesn’t make Him stupid or crazy. The important thing is He made out like a bandit when He sold the Texas Rangers, even after He gutted the team!
(By the way, when I talk about My President’s father, I’m not talking about His “Higher Father”--I’m talking about George H. W. Bush.)
Also, just because My President’s mother makes Marie Antoinette look like Mother Theresa is no reason to call Him stupid and crazy.
The important thing is, now My President has His father’s buddy, Jim Baker, to help Him, just like when he helped My President get elected by the Supreme Court.
So now that Baker’s Iraq Study Group has told My President the situation is “grave and deteriorating,” and has called for a “diplomatic offensive” and a gradual reduction in troops, and 70 per cent of Americans want us out, and 80 per cent of Iraqis want us out, and Prime Minister Maliki said his troops will be “fully ready” by June, doesn’t it crack you up to hear the joke going around that My President would be stupid and crazy enough to escalate the troops?!
Somebody help me! I can’t stop laughing!
By the way, have you seen the polls lately? The only people left who think My President’s war is a good idea are My President, Vice President Chainy, and Barney Bush (My President’s dog). I don’t even think Willie Bush (My President’s cat) is on board!
I don’t even think you like My President’s war anymore. Here’s how I know: Whenever my wife, Viola, gets mad at me--like in an election year, or when I write too many letters to My President--she makes me sleep on the couch. The next day, I always look rumpled and tired, and I have dark, worried circles under my eyes. Just like My President!
Viola and I have a bet: I say the reason My President is sleeping on the couch is because you’re mad at Him because you don’t like His war anymore. Viola thinks it’s Condi.
Could you clear this up? There’s a lot at stake! If I win, Viola has to watch FOX-News every day for a month. If she wins, I have to watch Keith Olbermann.
P.S. Speaking of “couch,” have you read a book called, “Bush on the Couch”? It’s by a psychiatrist named Justin Frank. Here’s what he says:
"If one of my patients frequently said one thing and did another, I would want to know why. If I found that he often used words that hid their true meaning and affected a persona that obscured the nature of his actions, I would grow more concerned. If he presented an inflexible worldview characterized by an oversimplified distinction between right and wrong, good and evil, allies and enemies, I would question his ability to grasp reality. And if his actions revealed an unacknowledged—even sadistic—indifference to human suffering, wrapped in pious claims of compassion, I would worry about the safety of the people whose lives he touched.
"For the past three years, I have observed with increasing alarm the inconsistencies and denials of such an individual. But he is not one of my patients. He is our president."
You see? If My President was crazy, He’d be seeing a psychiatrist. Justin Frank says My President is not one of his patients. That proves it!
P.P.S. Could you please send me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite first lady of all time! He likes you even better than Barbara.