Friday, November 24, 2006
Boy Genius and Advisor to My President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. Rove,
What happened?! Did somebody program our Diebold machines wrong? Should we have run more attack ads? I kept waiting for the October Surprise, but it never came.
Except for Mark Foley’s emails. And Ted Haggert getting outed by a gay hooker. And the most Americans dead in Iraq in one month (until this month).
Those weren’t exactly the surprises I had in mind. And then it came: My President said He would keep Rumsfeld and Cheney for His entire presidency.
Nothing broke our way! But the main reason we lost is: You slacked off! The day after elections, here’s what My President said about you:
“Obviously I worked harder on this campaign than he did."
You see? It’s all your fault My President lost the House and the Senate because you just didn’t work hard enough! Well, you’d better get busy, Mr. “Boy Genius,” because we’ve got a lot of work to do! The 2008 elections are right around the corner, and the Democrats never rest!
Have you decided who you’ll pick to replace My President? “Replace” is the wrong word. Replacing My President would be like replacing Ronald Reagan--it can’t be done! Just ask My President’s dad!
Here are your choices, and it’s pretty slim pickins:
Rudy Giuliani--He’s been riding the 9/11 gravy train for five years! He’s for gay marriage but he couldn’t even keep his own marriage together! And he refuses to go to rehab! Delete!
John McCain--Whenever My President sticks His head up His ass, He finds John McCain’s head there, too. (Am I allowed to say that?) Delete!
Bill Frist--His hair’s pretty good, but even Terry Schiavo wouldn’t vote for him. Delete!
Duncan Hunter--He’ll have a hard time governing from the jail cell he’ll be sharing with Duke Cunningham. Delete!
No, Karl Rove, geniuses have to think outside the box. That’s why I’ve got one word for you, and here it is:
O.J. Simpson: Republican President in ‘08!
I know--you’re thinking, “But Carl, we already have a black guy in the Republican Party.”
Quick--what’s his name? You see? You can’t recall, can you? Just like your meeting with Novak.
We need another black guy on our team! Here’s the bumper sticker:
O.J. in ‘08: He’s Blacker than Obama!
War on terror? Who knows more about terrorists than O.J. Simpson? President Simpson will pick Donald Rumsfeld to be his running mate, and then the bumper sticker will say:
Simpson & Rumsfeld in ‘08: They’ll Take the Gloves Off!
Family values? O.J. raised his kids by himself after his ex-wife was brutally murdered. Bumper sticker:
O.J. in ‘08: He’d Kill to Keep the Family Together!
I know--you’re thinking, “But Carl, most Americans think O.J. Simpson’s a cold-blooded killer!” No problem! Here is my 5-Step Program to turn our candidate’s weakness into a strength:
Step 1: Spread a rumor that Hillary or Obama or whoever the Democratic candidate is, is an ax murderer!
Step 2: Get FOX and Sinclair to run an hour-long docu-drama re-enacting the event.
Step 3: Produce a hard hitting “news story” using the goriest footage from the docu-drama and distribute it to every TV news outlet in the country.
Step 4: Dig up witnesses to hit the talk show circuit. (Cover your tracks! Make sure those witnesses were in the same country at the time of the killing).
Step 5: Anytime the Liberal Media asks O.J. about Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, our candidate should say these exact words: “That’s old news and it was decided in the courts a long time ago.”
You’re probably wondering what to do if a Liberal reporter asks this question:
“Although O.J. was found not guilty, isn’t it true that a civil court held him responsible for the killings and said he had to pay the Brown and Goldman families 30 million dollars, which he still has not paid?”
No problem! Launch a media blitz to trash the Browns and Goldmans. The story line should be this: They’re greedy money grubbers! O.J.’s the real victim here! In fact, maybe the Browns and Goldmans were involved in that ax murder that (pick one: Hillary, Obama) committed on that FOX docu-drama!
I’ve already talked to O.J. about this, and I think he’s on board. But a little nudge from you would help. I think you’ll like him. After working with My President all these years, it’ll be just like putting on your favorite pair of old gloves!
O.J. in ‘08: He’ll Murder the Democrats!
P.S. Could you send me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite genius. He likes you even better than James Baker!