Thursday, November 23, 2006
c/o HarperCollins Publishers
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
I can’t believe I’m writing you! You’re my favorite football player of all-time!
Remember the gory days back at USC and in the NFL? My, how I loved to watch you run! The quarterback would hand you the ball and you’d slash through the line like a sharp knife through soft flesh! All you needed was the smallest opening and you’d burst through faster than a Ford Bronco!
And you were so strong! If the hole you were cutting through with blade-like efficiency closed up, you’d knock over those would-be tacklers like they were defenseless women!
But my favorite thing you did was when you faked! You’d fake right, and while everybody lunged right, you’d slice left, leaving your enemies holding nothing but air and looking as stupid as a bunch of L.A. cops!
What was your secret to faking everybody out like that? Was it with your eyes? Was it a tricky body movement? Or did you just say, “Heads up, everybody! I’m going to zig!” Then when they believed you, you zagged.
I think faking is one of the most underrated skills in football, don’t you? I bet you were the best faker in the history of football!
And once you were out in the open, there was no one who could stop you! You knew right where the jugular was and you just ripped into it! The other team never had a chance! You cut them to shreds till they were dead!
By the way, have you thought of running for president? As you know, My President is going to retire in a couple years and the Republicans need a good candidate.
Are you a Republican? You should be. We Republicans love guys like you. Here are just a few reasons you should run on the Republican ticket for president in ‘08:
1. You’re Black. Have you noticed? We need more blacks on our team. If you run, we can say to the Democrats, “You’ve got Obama? Hah! We’ve got O.J. Simpson!”
2. Tough on Terrorism. Who would America rather send out for a knife fight with Bin Laden in front of a Brentwood condominium: Hillary Clinton or O.J. Simpson?
3. Sound Science. You convinced a jury that the DNA they found on Nicole Brown was not yours, based on a .000000000000000000001 chance that it might not be. You convinced them that the murderer’s glove didn’t fit your hand because, try as you might, you just couldn’t squeeze into it! If you could do that, you can convince Americans that global warming is caused by Birkenstocks!
4. Name Recognition. You’re famous! Everybody knows who you are! I bet more people know about you than Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy, and the Boston Strangler combined!
I don’t want to brag, but I have connections with Karl Rove. I write to him and My President almost every day. Just say the word, and I’ll put a bug in Karl’s ear: O.J. Simpson! Republican for President in ‘08!
By the way, what’s the price for your book up to on eBay now? I bet one book on eBay will make more money than all the books Judith Regan printed up combined! And whoever the shameless, moralless slime is who makes a killing on your book on eBay, I think you should tell them very nicely that you want a cut of the action. Tell them you want a slice of the pie. Tell them that you want to make a killing, too.
They’ll pay up faster than Rupert Murdoch can say, “Show cancelled!”
O.J. Simpson! Republican for President in ‘08!
He’ll Kill the Democrats!
P.S. Could you please send a photo of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite acquitted murderer of all time!