Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi
House Majority Leader
2371 Rayburn HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Speaker Pelosi,
It’s been two weeks since the Democrats won, and guess what? You still haven’t gotten us out of Iraq!
You Democrats are so predictable--you make big promises, but once you get elected, you’re all tail and no dog!
As you know, My President has messed up His room. Dirty clothes are lying everywhere! The stuffing’s ripped out of the bed! There are beer cans, and half-eaten pizzas, and food stuck to the walls! It looks like My President has been partying with John Belushi!
The voters have spoken! The Democrats have a mandate, and here it is:
Clean up My President’s room! America has hired you to be My President’s cleaning service! What’s your plan?
You can start with Iraq. But don’t send in more troops--we’re stretched too thin. And don’t pull any troops out--we can’t cut and run. And we can’t stay the course. My President never said, “Stay the course.” Also, no timetables. So, hurry up and fix it!
Also, have you noticed how corrupt congress is? You said you were going to “drain the swamp,” but two weeks later, the House is still full of Republicans on the take! Open the closet door and it’s full of Republicans and I’m not even going to tell you what they’re doing in there! And how come Denny Hastert’s still House Majority Leader?
No, Speaker Pelosi, you’re going to have to do a better job than this! You’ve been too busy backing the wrong horse--that peacenik, John Murtha. And now you’re talking about carrying out your Ultra-Radical San Francisco (Castro District) Women’s Agenda by raising the minimum wage, and legalizing stem cell research, and giving free health care to kids, reducing carbon emissions, and teaching science in schools!
I just think you should stick to your job! If I hire a mechanic to change the oil, I don’t want him to fix my brakes! If I hire a plumber to fix a leaky faucet, I don’t want him to replace the toilet, even if it is overflowing!
We, the American people have hired you to clean up My President’s room, Nancy Pelosi! Roll up your sleeves, get out the Lysol, and get to work!
P.S. As a woman, what’s your opinion of Hillary? I personally don’t think it would work for her to be president. Here’s the reason: I think Bill would slip back into his old ways--but not the way you’re thinking. If Hillary became president, she’d never have time to cook for Bill anymore, and he’d slip back to his old ways of eating lots of Big Macs. This, after he promised he’d eat healthy food for his own good, and to set a good example. It just wouldn’t look good. I know this is true, because whenever my wife, Viola, volunteers at Democratic campaign headquarters, she never cooks for me and I end up eating chili out of a can. (Also, I sleep on the couch a lot.) Now that you’re House Majority Leader, do you still cook for your husband?
P.P.S. Could you please send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite woman politician. He likes you even better than Condoleezza Rice!