Friday, November 17, 2006
National Association of Evangelicals
Office of the President
11025 Voyager Parkway
Colorado Springs, CO 80921
Dear Brother Haggert,
This month will go down in infamy! America lost its Number One Minister and the elections in one fell swoop!
We’ll just have to live to fight another day! The only thing that matters is this: My President hasn’t been impeached yet! The godless Democrats are going to let Him off the hook because they’ll be too busy raising the minimum wage and passing a health care plan and holding hearings on private contractors and war criminals.
Hah! While they’re dithering, My President will give a speech on the imminent threat of gay terrorists, and it’ll be Lucy with the football all over again! Wily Coyote and Roadrunner! The godless Democrats are so pathetic! Don’t they know politics is a contact sport?
Speaking of contact sports, don’t worry about that gay prostitute who outed you. Just think of all the money you’ll save by not hiring him when you’re in rehab! Then when you come out, you’ll be bigger than ever! Jim Bakker came back! So did Nixon! So did Jesus! Mark Foley will come back, and so will you!
I wrote a poem. Want to hear it? Here it is:
There once was a preacher named Haggert,
Who said twas a sin to be faggert.
He fell far from grace,
But he’ll regain his place.
Don’t believe me? Just ask Jimmy Swaggert.
I’m still having trouble with the second line. I know the word isn’t “faggert,” it’s “faggot.” But the trouble is, “faggot” doesn’t rhyme with Haggert. Do you have any ideas? Maybe you could ask God. I know he hasn’t written anything for a while, but maybe this will help Him get His juices flowing again.
Whoops! I can’t believe I said that! I didn’t mean “juices flowing” the way you’re thinking--I just meant Our Lord’s creative juices.
Anyway, I’m sorry you slipped and I’m sorry My President lost the election and I’m sorry our country is in the hands of the godless Democrats. But I’m praying to our Lord that before long you’ll be back to protecting the sanctity of marriage and Our President will start another war and we’ll restore this great land of ours to the Christian values it was founded on!
By the way, remember when you said you bought meth amphetamine from the gay hooker, but you didn’t use it? It’s just like when Clinton smoked pot but he didn’t inhale. You see? People forgave Clinton, they’ll forgive you too!
I wonder if Clinton bought his pot from a gay hooker?
Your biggest fan,
P.S. Could you please send me a photo? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite! He even likes you better than Pat Robertson!