Wednesday, November 15, 2006
President George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President (still!):
Oh well. It could have been worse. We could have lost the House and the Senate. Whoops. We lost the Senate, too. But it took awhile. Macaca should have demanded a recount!
Maybe we can get Leiberman to admit he’s a Republican. That guy will say anything if you use harsh interrogation techniques. Ha ha--just kidding.
Maybe it’ll come out that Harry Reid is gay. Oh--I forgot--he’s a Democrat. If he was gay, he would have told us already.
We’re on new territory, Mr. President (still!)! For the first sixty years of your life, everything has broken your way. Now, for the first time, you must face adversity. But remember: The Chinese word for crisis is weiji, which means opportunity! Mr. President (still!), this is your weiji!
Remember 9-11? You turned the worst attack on America’s mainland and parleyed it into two wars and unlimited presidential powers faster than you can say “habeus corpus!” You took lemons and made lemonade!
Seize the day! The Democrats have yanked the silver spoon out of your mouth. Turn it into weiji! With the silver spoon removed, maybe now you can learn to speak!
Chinese, I mean.
But here’s the part they never tell you: Weiji doesn’t only mean opportunity, it means dangerous opportunity! Mr. President (still!), there are dangers lurking behind every congressional desk! Nancy Pelosi says impeachment is “off the table.” Don’t believe her!
Once she starts holding hearings and learns how we started an illegal war so Halliburton could get richer than Bill Gates on steroids, and once she learns about all the Islamic Fascists we tortured who turned out to be goat herders, and once she finds out that she got her emails read and her phone tapped and her bedroom bugged, then the true San Francisco Liberal Nancy Pelosi will come out! She’ll drop the “spirit of bipartisanship” faster than you can say, “secret renditions!”
I have just one word for you and here it is:
Don’t the Liberal Democrats know we’re in a war? Well, two, if you count Afghanistan. Okay, three, if you count the War on Terror. And Iran and North Korea will make four and five.
My point is, we’re fighting five wars (six if you count the War on Drugs), and in these troubled times, if My President (still!) gets subpoenaed by the nosy Liberal Democrats who want to know why He lied about WMD(s), I say, shout it from the rafters!
Shout it from the rooftops!
Barricade the Oval Office and shout it from there!
Then tell the Liberal Democrats it’s Your Executive Privelege to disband congress because You’re fighting six wars and they’re in Your way! Then tell them it’s Your Executive Privilege to load them into a CIA plane and fly them off to some undisclosed location in Romania.
Then tell your dad it’s Your Executive Privilege to fire Bob Gates and rehire Rumsfeld because You can fight this war any darn way You want!
Then take that silver spoon, stick it back in Your mouth and say, “Weiji!”