Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Vice President (still!) Dick Cheney
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Dear Mr. Vice President (still!):
I’m reeling! This is the worst week for America since Nixon resigned! I only have one word for you, and here it is:
Stay the course! Full speed ahead! The Democrats are in their last throes!
If you will.
Mr. Vice President (still!), we’re navigating treacherous waters! Your enemies are sharpening their long knives! Last week, My President promised He would keep you and Rumsfeld until the end of His term.
But guess what? The day after elections, My President threw Rumsfeld under the bus! Dominoes are falling! If we don’t act quickly, Mr. Vice President (still!), I fear you’ll be next! We cannot let this happen! You must, I repeat must finish your term!
Why do you need this headache, you ask? Why not pack it in now and go back to shooting your hunting buddies and spending your great great great great grandkid’s inheritance? Between your Halliburton checks and the public’s newfound interest in your wife’s book about lesbian lovers, you will have a cozy little nest egg for many wars to come! So why stay on? I’ll answer your question with a question:
Question: What would Howdy Doody be without Buffalo Bob?
Answer: A smiling, freckle-faced puppet with stuffing for brains! A lifeless rag doll with cockeyed arms and legs, lying limp and tangled in his own strings!
Do you get my point? Howdy Doody needs you, Buffalo Bob! Put the good of the country ahead of your own selfish desires! Get back behind that curtain and pull those strings for two more years!
There’s another reason we need you to stay the course, and here it is:
It’s hard for me to say this word, so just think of a piece of fruit with a pit in the middle that rhymes with “im-screech.”
No offense, Mr. Vice President (still!), but you’re the best insurance My President has to keep Him from getting (rhymes with) im-screeched. Because, if the Democrats throw My President under the bus, guess who’s next in line?
That’s right! You! And I hate to break the news, but if I don’t, who will? I’ll give it to you straight:
In the latest popularity polls, you’re running neck and neck with Bin Laden. And with a strong Arab-American backlash, Bin Laden might win!
You see? The Democrats know if they cut the strings off Howdy Doody, they’ll have to deal with Buffalo Bob! Stand behind My President! Hold your position behind those curtains! Stay a heartbeat away from the presidency and they won’t dare lay a glove on Him!
Speaking of heartbeats: How’s your heart? Maybe you should knock off the fatty foods and rich deserts for a while. Are you getting enough exercise? Don’t overdo it!
Two more years, Buffalo Bob! You can make it!