Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,
Before you leave, I just want to be the first to say: “Congratulations on a job well done! The world is a better place because you’re in it!"
Iraq, too. I don’t mean you’re in Iraq--you’re in Washington D.C. But the Iraqis who are still in Iraq and are still alive are better off because of you. Even the ones who had their limbs blown off are better off--they probably would have gotten their limbs blown off anyway if Saddam was there.
And the Iraqi mothers who lost their children--they’re better off, too. They don’t know it, but they sacrificed their children over there so we wouldn’t have to sacrifice our children over here. Those childless Iraqi mothers are the unsung heros, don’t you think? Their children died so America could be free! Give them a medal!
I guess the prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo and all those secret prisons in Eastern Europe aren’t better off. But who knows? Some of them might be guilty. We know for sure that most of them are Muslims.
Our soldiers are better off, even the 2800 dead ones. They died knowing they were saving us from WMD(s), and even if there weren’t any, they were overthrowing the evil dictator and stopping Iraq from sliding into a civil war after we dismantled their army and left a void for the insurgents to fill and al Qaeda came in too, so now the battle for Iraq is the “central war on terror,” and besides, if they win, our gas prices will go up to $5.00 a gallon.
Did you notice I called you “Secretary” Rumsfeld? That’s because you’ll always be my Secretary of Defense! I don’t care if My President cut and ran and hired his dad’s guy to mop up.
POP QUIZ: Match the following wars with their masterminds (answers at the bottom of the page):
1. World War II (American) a. Roosevelt and Eisenhower
2. World War II (German) b. Hitler and Eichmann
3. Vietnam c. Nixon and Kissinger
4. Operation Iraqi Freedom d. Bush and Rumsfeld
You see? You’re in there with the heavyweights! Speaking of Kissinger, did you know he can’t travel to Chile or Nicaragua or Vietnam because he’ll be arrested as a war criminal? I bet you can travel to Vietnam if you want to. Or, maybe Saudi Arabia. I bet you can still go there. They’d welcome you with flowers and candy!
Speaking of the 2800 American troops, remember when that soldier asked you:
“Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to uparmor our vehicles?" And you said:
"As you know, you have to go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you want."
Well, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the army I want is the army that you are leading, but I guess the army I have is the army that George Bush Sr.’s guy is leading. My goodness, I don’t know how we’re going to get by without you!
Do you think they might ask you back?
POP QUIZ Answers: 1a, 2b, 3c, 4d*
*4d should include Cheney, too. But that’s a secret.