Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Senator, Majority Leader, and Doctor Bill Frist
461 Senate Office Building
Washington D.C. 20510
Dear Senator, Majority Leader, and Doctor Frist,
First I want to thank you for standing up for America!
It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game! And Senator, Majority Leader, and Doctor Frist, you lost but the important thing is: you tried!
You tried to get a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage! You tried to get a constitutional amendment banning flag burning! You tried to protect Terri Schiavo’s right to be a vegetable!
But I’m writing to call your attention to an issue that dwarfs gay marriages, burnt flags, and vegetables! And I think you know what it is:
Mustard on hamburgers and ketchup on hot dogs!
That’s right! Lately there has been an epidemic of people putting mustard on their hamburgers and ketchup on their hot dogs! Is this what the Founding Fathers had in mind?!
I don’t think so, Senator, Majority Leader, and Doctor Frist! You and I know that America was founded on the principle that ketchup belongs on hamburgers and mustard belongs on hotdogs! Any deviation from this tears at the fabric of society until our underwear is exposed!
You see where I’m going. The next thing you know, people will be putting mayo on roast beef sandwiches when we know mayo belongs on tuna only! When people put the wrong condiment on their sandwich meat, it threatens the sacred institution of “The Sandwich!” Once we get to the mayo on roast beef stage, our underwear will be ripped off and America will spiral buck naked into anarchy!
That’s why it’s up to you, Senator, Majority Leader, and Doctor Frist, to introduce a constitutional amendment banning mustard on hamburgers and ketchup on hot dogs!
I know you’re really busy these days doing the people’s business ninety days a year and going to fund raisers in your spare time, so I’m going to make your job easy. I’ve written the amendment and all you have to do is step up to the Senate floor and pitch it. Here it is:
Section 1. The right of citizens of the United States to protect the sacredness of the sandwich shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State. It shall therefore be declared unlawful to apply any condiment other than ketchup to a hamburger sandwich; it shall be likewise unlawful to apply any condiment other than mustard to a hot dog. Hamburger buns shall be round, shall not exceed eight inches in diameter and must be made from white flour; sesame seeds shall be deemed optional. Hot dog buns shall be oblong so as to accomodate a regulation sized hot dog, no less than 5 inches, not to exceed eight inches, and must be made from white enriched flour; sesame seeds shall be deemed unlawful.
Section 2. Congress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
(I put in the part about the buns to to throw the godless Democrats off track. They’ll get so distracted arguing about the size and shape of the buns, you can sneak the mustard and ketchup part right by them! It will be best if they manage to throw out the bun requirements, because then we’ll can take up the issue again next year. That and tuna. What’s your position on pickles on tuna? I don’t like them myself, but I think we should be tolerant.)
This is no time to back down! Elections are only four months away! Ketchup on hamburgers! Mustard on hot dogs! It’s the American way! Senator-Majority Leader-Doctor Frist, do your duty!
P.S. In my last letter, I asked you to send me an autographed picture made out to my grandson, Lester. You sent me the autographed picture, but you forgot to make it out to Lester. You can imagine how disappointed he was. Will you please send another one? You can say:
To a great American, Lester Estrada.
Your good friend,
P.P.S. If you run for president, you can count on my vote! I love your hair--it’s so presidential! It’s much better than McCain’s or even Hillary! Everything about your hair screams out: “Mr. President!”