Saturday, June 24, 2006
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
(Please forward this letter to the Mayflower Hotel if she’s still staying there.)
Dear Mrs. First Lady,
I have a question: Do you know any good tattoo artists?
The reason I ask is I’ve got this beautiful fish tattoo on my right shoulder. It symbolizes my Double Pisces Sun and Rising Sign. But you can imagine, I now feel horribly out of balance and I need an archer on my right shoulder to get more in touch with my Sagittarius energy that I get from my moon sign.
Don’t recommend Roland Brand. He’s the tattoo genius who gave me my fish tattoo and left me in this predicament. He’s off in Capital City now. Delbert Thorne, the Chosen Leader of the Free Nation made Roland his Secretary of Religion, and now he’s too busy to give me any more tattoos.
You can imagine how out of balance I feel! It must be like how you’d feel if you came home and found your husband and Condi Rice under the desk in the Oval Office looking for WMD.
Do you have any tattoos? I think our bodies are our temples and we should decorate them to glorify Dad. Don’t you? That’s what I call God--“Dad.” That’s because Bob is Dad’s son and he calls God, “Dad.” I’m Bob’s Carrier Pigeon and Minister of Wisdom, so I call Him “Dad,” too.
It’s all right there in The Book of Bob. I’ll send you a copy if you want. I know you like to read a lot. Maybe if you come home from the Mayflower, you could read it to your husband. Or if you don’t, after you’re done reading it, you could give it to Condi and she could read it to him.
I have another question: If I only have sex with girls, is that “Abstinence Only?” The reason I ask is I have these two friends, Dorothy and Lakshmi? And Dorothy’s like, “Let’s try just doing it with girls for a while.”
And I’m like, “Whoa! That’s radically intense!”
And Lakshmi’s like, “Well, at least we won’t be adding to the population problem.”
So then we’re all like, “Okay! It’s a deal!” So then we sealed the deal. It was fun.
Is that “Abstinence Only?”
I bet you’re into a lot of Abstinence Only lately! Ever since you moved to the Mayflower Hotel because of your husband and Condi. Remember the time she called him “my hus . . .” and then she caught herself?
Maybe she was starting to say, “My husky president.”
Anyway, I saw you and your husky husband being interviewed the other day, and you said he always gets up at 5:30 in the morning and brings you coffee. He seems like such a nice man. The people who accuse him of being a war criminal and a mass murderer just don’t know him like you do.
I forget--what religion are you? A Presbyterian? A Methodist? A Baptist? I bet after you read The Book of Bob, you’ll be a Bobist.
Bob’s Carrier Pigeon and Minister of Wisdom
The Free Nation
P.S. If you ever want to just try girls for a while, you can join Dorothy, Lakshmi, and me. It’s fun.