Wednesday, June 21, 2006
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Delbert Thorne and I am the Chosen Leader of the Free Nation.
Me and you got a lot in commin. We’re both grate leaders and we’re both on a Mission from God.
But I’m on a Mission from Dad. That’s what I call Him--“Dad.” Dad calls me Delbert. I bet Dad doesn’t call you Delbert.
Anyways, another thing we got in commin is we can see people’s soles. I can see yer sole. It’s just like mine only mine’s larger cuz I nuked Borak and Boran and saved the world from the Evil Abdul Klezmer and all you did was get Saddam and he ain’t even dead yet. Just his lawyers--they’re all dead.
And remember when you had Bin Laden trapped in Bora Bora and you said, “Wanted dead or alive”?
Well you got yer wish cuz he’s alive.
Also, people say you walk like me. Only I’ve got something that could help you walk even more like me. I ain’t gonna tell you what I’ve got except let’s just say it’s xtra xtra large and I need really loose pants to make room for it. I got a pill from my buddy Conrad Shanks who was a CEO of a drug company that made the pill that gave me the xtra xtra large thing that made me need really loose pants.
Conrad Shanks is dead now. I made him my Secretary of Religion but he melted down just like all my Secretarys of Religion did. You can still get his pills though. I think you should cuz you gotta think large! I know where you can get you some really loose pants too.
If you want to know more about me, it’s all right there in The Book of Bob. It’s a great book and you oughta try to read it. I’m in there and there’s a whole bunch of other folks in there too but I’m the star. You’ll like it cuz it’s easy to reed.
If you want some tips on how to win yer war in I-rak, just ask me. I asked Dad and here’s what He says: “Delbert, I’ve got yer answer.”
That’s what He calls me--Delbert. Bet he doesn’t call you Delbert.
Anyways, Dad says, “Delbert, remember in The Book of Bob when I told you about Operation Triple Nuke and you tried to nuke Yurkistan and Sunny Sunnyland and Rolandworld all at the same time? Tell your buddy over there in the USA he needs to pull off another Operation Triple Nuke. Just like in The Book of Bob. Tell him to nuke I-rak and I-ran and another country of his choice. But tell him don’t nuke North Korea--they’ll just nuke him back! Maybe Finland.”
So there you have it, straight from the mouth of Dad. Bring it on! Operation Triple Nuke! Nuke I-rak, I-ran, and Finland! Before we’re laid to mush under a restroom cloud!
Chosen Leader Delbert Thorne
The Free Nation