Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Mr. Tony Snow
White House Press Secretary-Elect
The White House
The FOX Wing
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Snow,
I hear you’re going to be My President’s new press secretary. I just want to be the first to say: “Welcome Aboard!”
I have a question and a statement:
Question: What size shoe do you wear?
Statement: I hope you have small feet.
The reason for my question and statement is, Scott McLellan has such small shoes to fill, I’m afraid you’re going to have trouble squeezing into them!
Speaking of shoes, I hate to kick a guy when he’s down, but have you noticed everything started going wrong when McLellan came on board? When Ari Fleischer retired as press secretary, My President was standing tall! The economy wasn’t too far in the tank, My President had just declared, “Mission Accomplished!” and America was waving flags and chanting, “9-11! 9-11! 9-11!”
But then McLellan came in and messed everything up! As soon as he became press secretary, the Iraqis started shooting back! Global warming started happening! My President got caught authorizing torture and spying on us and outing a CIA spy! There was a picture of My President playing guitar while New Orleans drowned! Oil prices! Gas prices!
By the way, did you know gas comes from oil? It’s true! Here’s what My President explained to the Renewable Fuels Association yesterday:
“The long-term strategy is to power our automobiles with something other than oil. (Then He corrected Himself.) Something other than gasoline which is derived from oil.”
So, you can see Scott McLellan has been a disaster, and it’s going to be up to you, Tony Snow, to clean up his mess! I heard you say you’re up to the job because you’ve been in politics and journalism. You were a speechwriter for the Father of My President and you were a commentator for FOX News.
So, what experience did you say you’ve had in journalism?
By the way, remember when you said My President was a “wimp” because He never vetoed a bill? Remember when you said a “compassionate conservative” is “oxymoronic,” and that many Republicans think it’s “moronic?”
Remember when you said, “The Republican Party in Washington is in trouble not because it's overrun by crooks, but because it's packed with cowards.”
I wouldn’t tell My President those things if I were you. You could get away with wild statements when you worked at FOX, but now you have a responsible job! Besides, have you ever seen My President when He gets mad? His upper lip turns up, and His nose starts twitching, and His eyes start blinking like somebody threw yellow cake uranium in His face! The next thing you know, He might nuke Iran or North Korea or Finland, and then where will you be, Mr. Fair and Balanced Press Secretary?
No, stick to the comments that got you to the Big Show! Like:
“Guantánamo Bay may be the most humane prisoner-of-war facility in history."
“Valerie Plame wasn't covert for six years" before she was outed as a CIA spy!
Just keep saying:
"Evolutionary theory, like intelligent design, isn't verifiable or testable. It's pure hypothesis."
Then watch My President’s poll numbers soar!
By the way, who’s your Favorite White House Press Secretary of All Time? You probably think Ari Fleischer’s my favorite, but you’re wrong! Give up? My favorite is Ron Zeigler! Remember him? He was Nixon’s press secretary during Watergate.
Zeigler was a giant among giants! Study him! Learn from the master! Remember when Zeigler said:
"The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is something going on."
Use that! You can make up variations like:
“There is nothing going on and the President is not aware of any of it!”
Or, remember when Zeigler called Watergate a “third rate burglary?” Use that, too! Tell the liberal media that when My President outed a CIA spy, it was a “third rate leak!” Tell them when My President taps our phones, it’s a “third rate spy operation!”
Tell them Iraq is a “third rate war!”
But the statement that immortalized Ron Zeigler was when he said:
"This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative."
Tony Snow, your time has come! A good student climbs on the shoulders of his teacher! Stand on the massive shoulders of Ron Zeigler and rise above him! When My President gets investigated for treason and war crimes, just say:
“George W. Bush is Our President, and that is the operative statement! All others are inoperative!”
Catapult the Propaganda!!
P.S. I bet you’re wondering why C.J. Craig isn’t my Favorite White House Press Secretary of All Time. She was, but ever since ABC cancelled The West Wing, I’m mad at her!
P.P.S. Will you please send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite.
P.P.P.S. Scott McLellan never sent me a picture.