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Saturday, February 18, 2006

Vice President Dick Chainy
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500

Dear Vice President Chainy,

Yo Big Bro’! Props for a most excellent interview on FOX-TV!

I was over at my girl friend’s house the other day? And I was watching you on FOX? And my girl friend, she’s like, got this dog? And he’s like, a beagle? And his jowls are sliding off his dome just like that dude in The House of Wax when his face melts, and even when he’s happy, dude looks like you’d better hide the razors.

And I’m like, “Whoa! My girl friend’s dog looks just like that dude who interviewed Big Bro’ Chainy on FOX!”

And then I’m like, “Chainy thought his bud was a quail so he whacked him. I wonder if now, dude thinks he’s talking to a beagle?” Then I’m like, “I wonder if he’s gonna whack him too?”

And the beagle dude on FOX keeps peppering you with questions and he keeps missing just like you missed that quail and whacked your bud instead.

And then you were like, “Nobody was under the influence of alcohol when I whacked my bud with my trusty .28.” But then, a couple minutes later you were like, “I had a beer at lunch.”

And I’m like, “Whoa! What time was lunch and how big was the beer?”

And then I’m like, “Beagle dude’s asking the wrong questions. I could drink a whole case of beer and still tell the difference between a quail and a dude in an orange vest!”

The question beagle dude should be asking is, “What were you smoking, dude?”

And how many tokes did it take to turn your bud into a quail?

Or, did you whack your bud cuz you thought he was bin Laden?

So, last night I’m over at my girl friend’s house? And I’m watching her TV? And there’s the dude you whacked and he’s like, “I’m really sorry for all the trouble I put my good bud Chainy through,” and I’m like, “Whoa. Dude must be still be trippin’ cuz he thinks he whacked you!”

And then I’m like, “I don’t care how many tokes you took. Dude doesn’t look anything like a quail. And he wouldn’t look like bin Laden even if you gave him a beard.

“Dude looks like a Republican!”

But the main thing I want to say is, hang in there Big Bro’. I know how you feel. Cuz one time I went surfing with my bud? And before we went out we had a beer at lunch? So we’re out catchin’ waves and I’m shootin’ through this curl and I like see this shark at the bottom of the wave? And he’s like coming at me and I’m coming at him, and I’m like, “Dude! It’s him or me!” So I shot down the wave and whacked him with my board!

Except the shark turned out to be my bud. And dude was seriously whacked. So, I drove him to the hospital and went home? So I’m busy picking up beer cans off the floor and there’s this knock on the door and this dude on the other side is like, “This is the police! Open up, Mr. Cahoon!”

And I’m like, “Later, dude! I don’t have time to answer your questions, and I don’t have time to take a breath test or a lie detector test cuz I’m like busy collecting beer cans.”

And the cop says, “Okay! Later, dude.”

And when my bud got out of the hospital, he was just like your bud. He was really bummed that he made things so gnarly for me. Except, my bud has this big scar across his forehead where he got 20 stitches and he looks like Frankenstein.

Your bud looks more like a Republican with acne.

Later, Big Bro’,
Brad Cahoon

 

 
 
 
 
 


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