Mr. Marion “Pat” Robertson
CBN Partner Correspondence
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23463

Dear Marion “Pat” Robertson,

This is exactly why you’re my 2nd Favorite Televangelist of All Time!

I was shocked when the good citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania kicked out all eight school board members just because they wanted to teach the science of “intelligent design.” But then you said what was on the mind of every patriot in America! Here’s what you said:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God. You just rejected him from your city. God is tolerant and loving, but we can't keep sticking our finger in his eye forever. If they have future problems in Dover, I recommend they call on Charles Darwin. Maybe he can help them.”

This is an outrage! There’s somebody trying to horn in on your act! Guess who?

That’s right! Bill O’Reilly! Did you hear what he said?

"Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead. And if al-Qaida comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead!"

Don’t get mad. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! Besides, if you get over your petty jealousy and look at the big picture, you’ll see that God has already smote New Orleans. If God smites Dover and al-Qaida smites San Francisco, we’ll be rid of the three most heathen cities in the country, and America will finally have freedom of religion!

By the way, what’s your favorite baseball stadium? Mine is Enron Field. I want my ballpark to have a good American name like Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia or Coors Field in Denver or Enron Field in Texas! I think O’Reilly missed the boat when he told al-Qaida to blow up the Coit Tower. Maybe you could one-up him and ask God to smite Candlestick Park. It’s wrong to have a ball park named after a candlestick! When you see a candlestick, what do you think of? It’s so Castro District!

Anyway, I bet you’re wondering, “If I’m Carl’s second favorite televangelist, who’s his first?”

No, it’s not Bill O’Reilly. Give up?

It’s Jimmy Swaggart! He’s Number One! You’re like Avis--you keep trying harder. But even when you said we should assassinate Hugo Chavez, even when God told you Our President was going to win in a blowout, even when you prayed for three of the Supreme Court justices to resign or die, you still couldn’t top brother Jimmy Swaggart when he said:

“If (a gay man) ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died."

Some people just have a flare for words. Maybe it’s genetics. How can you compete with a guy whose cousin is Jerry Lee Lewis?

By the way, is your cousin Jim Bakker? I always get you and him mixed up. Or maybe your wife’s cousin is Tammy Faye Bakker? I think I see a resemblance but it’s hard to tell with all that make-up. Maybe if you put a whole bunch of make-up on your wife, then we’d know for sure.

Anyway, keep up the fight! Let’s put religion back where it belongs--in the science class!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada


P.S. I’m sending you another quarter. I think my 700 Club membership has lapsed.