Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Mr. R. David Paulison
Acting Director of FEMA
500 C Street SW
Washington, D.C. 20472
Dear Mr. Paulison,
Now that youve been named Acting Director of FEMA, I just want to be the first to say:
I have a question: What size shoes do you wear?
The reason I ask is, Brownie did such a heckuva job--youve got some pretty big shoes to fill!
But, if anybody can fill Brownies shoes, its you! The reason I know is because you did such a heckuva job when you were U.S. Fire Administrator. Remember that nailbiting year after 9-11, before we got even with Bin Laden by capturing Saddam Hussein? Remember when you and Tom Ridge at Homeland Security were working night and day to make us SAFE!?
Those were the salad days! Who can forget that historic night on February 10, 2003, when you finally told America how we could be SAFE! again. Heres what you told us to do:
Buy duct tape.
And it worked! As soon as I heard you say that, I rented a U-Haul, drove to my nearest Home Depot, and bought out their entire stock! And guess what? Since I bought 2,000 rolls of duct tape, I havent been attacked by a single terrorist!
Duct tape comes in handy in ways I never expected. For instance, the older I get, the more hair grows in my nostrils. Ive found that duct tape works much better than tweezers! (I know thats not Homeland Security, but I have lots of duct tape to spare.)
Heres a way I have used my duct tape for Homeland Security: Last year, my wife, Viola, wanted to go to a demonstration against My President, and she just wouldnt listen to reason. So I duct taped her to a chair until the demonstration was over.
I have another question: Whos your Favorite Watergate Co-Conspirator of All-Time?
Mine is H.R. Bob Haldeman. I like how he had initials followed by his nickname. Maybe thats why I like I. L. Scooter Libby. Hes Vice-President Cheneys Chief of Staff. Hes the one who didnt blow Valerie Plames CIA cover to Novak or anybody else.
Maybe thats why I think youll do a heckuva job filling Brownies shoes. With a name like R. David Paulison, how could you go wrong? What does the R stand for?
Let me guess: Ramone?
How about Radley? Rashaad? Remus? Am I warm?
I really liked H. R. Bob Haldemans buzz cut. Now that youre head of FEMA, do you think youll get a buzz cut, too? I think it would make you look more in charge!
Speaking of initials, what does FEMA stand for? I think Ive got 3 out of 4. Federal Emergency M..... Agency. But Im stuck on the M. My wife, Viola, thinks the M stands for Manglement, but I think shes wrong.
Could it be Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency? Please clear this up. We have a bet. If I win, she wont go to any more demonstations. If she wins, I have to stop writing letters of advice to My President. Again.
Anyway, I just want to wish you luck in your new job as FEMAs Acting Director. How much duct tape do you think it will take to patch up New Orleans? If you need some of mine, just let me know. Ive still got 1, 996 rolls left!