The oceans are rising! Forests are burning! Terrorists on the loose! Donald Trump is running amok!
This is a job for.... Carl Estrada!
 
 Sections
 

Home

New Letters

Carl 2019
Carl 2018
Carl 2017
MR. TRUMP
Hillary
Carl 2016
Brad Cahoon
Letters 2009
Letters: 2007 & 2008
YouTube
Carl's Point 2007
Carl's Point
Brad's Letters
2006 Letters
Buddies of Bob
Letters to bush 2005
open
Dear Mr. President
open
The Current Administration
open
Politicians and Presidential Wannabes
open
The Liberal Media
open
Religious Superstars
open
Celebrities
Corporations and CEOs
World Leaders
Paul's Page
 

Replies
The Complete Carl List

Links

* DemocracyMeansYou.com
* Paul Chasman Guitar Music
* Email Paul Chasman
* Order The Book of Bob Online
* My Page on the Book Marketeer
* Blue Funk Productions

* My YouTube Debut!
* Another YouTube Video!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Mr. R. “David” Paulison
Acting Director of FEMA
500 C Street SW
Washington, D.C. 20472

Dear Mr. Paulison,

Now that you’ve been named Acting Director of FEMA, I just want to be the first to say:

Welcome aboard!

I have a question: What size shoes do you wear?

The reason I ask is, Brownie did such a heckuva job--you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill!

But, if anybody can fill Brownie’s shoes, it’s you! The reason I know is because you did such a heckuva job when you were U.S. Fire Administrator. Remember that nailbiting year after 9-11, before we got even with Bin Laden by capturing Saddam Hussein? Remember when you and Tom Ridge at Homeland Security were working night and day to make us SAFE!?

Those were the salad days! Who can forget that historic night on February 10, 2003, when you finally told America how we could be SAFE! again. Here’s what you told us to do:

Buy duct tape.

And it worked! As soon as I heard you say that, I rented a U-Haul, drove to my nearest Home Depot, and bought out their entire stock! And guess what? Since I bought 2,000 rolls of duct tape, I haven’t been attacked by a single terrorist!

Duct tape comes in handy in ways I never expected. For instance, the older I get, the more hair grows in my nostrils. I’ve found that duct tape works much better than tweezers! (I know that’s not Homeland Security, but I have lots of duct tape to spare.)

Here’s a way I have used my duct tape for Homeland Security: Last year, my wife, Viola, wanted to go to a demonstration against My President, and she just wouldn’t listen to reason. So I duct taped her to a chair until the demonstration was over.

I have another question: Who’s your Favorite Watergate Co-Conspirator of All-Time?

Mine is H.R. “Bob” Haldeman. I like how he had initials followed by his nickname. Maybe that’s why I like I. L. “Scooter” Libby. He’s Vice-President Cheney’s Chief of Staff. He’s the one who didn’t blow Valerie Plame’s CIA cover to Novak or anybody else.

Maybe that’s why I think you’ll do a heckuva job filling Brownie’s shoes. With a name like R. “David” Paulison, how could you go wrong? What does the “R” stand for?

Let me guess: Ramone?

How about Radley? Rashaad? Remus? Am I warm?

I really liked H. R. “Bob” Haldeman’s buzz cut. Now that you’re head of FEMA, do you think you’ll get a buzz cut, too? I think it would make you look more in charge!

Speaking of initials, what does FEMA stand for? I think I’ve got 3 out of 4. Federal Emergency M..... Agency. But I’m stuck on the “M.” My wife, Viola, thinks the “M” stands for “Manglement,” but I think she’s wrong.

Could it be Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency? Please clear this up. We have a bet. If I win, she won’t go to any more demonstations. If she wins, I have to stop writing letters of advice to My President. Again.

Anyway, I just want to wish you luck in your new job as FEMA’s Acting Director. How much duct tape do you think it will take to patch up New Orleans? If you need some of mine, just let me know. I’ve still got 1, 996 rolls left!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


Home * New Letters * Carl 2019 * Carl 2018 * Carl 2017 * MR. TRUMP * Hillary * Carl 2016 * Brad Cahoon * Letters 2009 * Letters: 2007 & 2008 * YouTube * Carl's Point 2007 * Carl's Point * Brad's Letters * 2006 Letters * Buddies of Bob * Letters to bush 2005 * Dear Mr. President * The Current Administration * Politicians and Presidential Wannabes * The Liberal Media * Religious Superstars * Celebrities * Corporations and CEOs * World Leaders * Paul's Page * Replies

The Carl Letters Email Us

If you are experiencing difficulties using this site, please email us