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Thursday, August 11, 2005

Dr. James Dobson
Focus on Family
Colorado Springs 80995

Dear Dr. Dobson,

Do you believe in synchronicity? Well, after reading about your cures for homosexuality, I do!

I read your article about gender confusion in boys--you know--the one where you gave us the red flags to watch out for:

A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes.

A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them "queer," "fag" and "gay."

A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even "think" effeminately.

Somewhat passive, unaggressive and uninterested in rough-and-tumble play.

Traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.

Then you taught us how to cure our boys of these afflictions. Here are some of your cures:

The boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl.

He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard.

He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

The reason I believe in synchronicity is, when my grandson Lester was six, he was just like the boy you described. He would spend hours dressing his Barbie dolls in little pink dresses, fussing with their hair, and applying make-up. When he changed their outfits, he didn’t even turn them upside down or act curious about their body parts!

When little Lester wasn’t dressing his Barbie doll, he liked to redesign the interior of Barbie’s house. He loved paisley! He planted little gardens around the dollhouse, and made fountains that were watered by statues of naked men.

You can imagine how worried I was about my Lester! I’d punch him in the arm and try to distract him by throwing him a ball. But he’d miss it and it would smash into his doll house. Then he’d throw the ball back like a girl and start crying, “You ruined my souffle!”

It was all my wife Viola’s fault! She smothered him just like you warn women not to do. She’s the one who bought him the Barbie dolls! She’s the one who bought him the doll house! She even taught him how to make a souffle! Do you know what she said?

She said, “If Lester turns out gay, that’s fine with me! Then he won’t have to go into the army and get blown up in Your President’s war!”

But Viola wasn’t done. Here’s what else she said: “If Lester turns out gay, he’ll be one less baby-making machine. Have you noticed there are too many people on this planet?”

Dr. Dobson, one reason I know I’m a real man is I’ll never understand women!

Anyway, I tried playing rough-and-tumble games with Lester, but he just started crying again because he lost his place in the book he was reading. I tried teaching him how to pound a square peg into a square hole, and guess what? He glued all the pegs together, and then he painted glitter around all the holes!

There was only one thing to do--I took him in the shower with me. Remember when you said:

“. . . the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.”

I guess what you said about Dad goes for Grandpa, too. Well--it didn’t work quite the way I expected. Between you and me, Dr. Dobson, my penis is a little bit on the small side. But Lester--he has a whopper! Much bigger than mine! Even when he was only six! If you don’t believe in evolution, all you’ve got to do is look at my penis and look at my grandson’s penis. Lester has evolved!

Well, anyway, now that Lester’s twelve, it scares me to think of how big his penis must be! I’ve noticed he wears really baggy pants.

I’m trying my best with Lester, but sometimes I wonder about him. The good news is he likes to play with boys now. They like rough-and-tumble games too, which I guess is good. Lester and his friends like to play a game they call “Ancient Olympics.” Did you know in Greece, the athletes used to wrestle naked?

Also, lately I’ve noticed Lester and his friends like to take showers together. When I asked him about it, he told me it brought back old memories of when he and I used to shower together.

You see? It worked! Also on the plus side, maybe one of his friends will have a penis that’s bigger than his, and then he can learn. But on the down side, we keep running out of hot water.

Anyway, I can’t wait to tell Viola what you said so I can prove I was right all along! God works in mysterious ways!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada


P.S. Could you please send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to Lester Estrada. You’re his favorite!

 

 
 
 
 
 


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