Tuesday, August 09, 2005
President George W. Bush
The Hometown Ranch
Crawford, Texas 76638
Dear Mr. President,
Its summer! That can only mean one thing: Time for another vacation! Time to kick back, relax in the sun, and forget all Your cares!
Except--Christine Sheehan. Im worried shes going to spoil Your summer! Just because her son got killed in Iraq while he was fighting the terrorists over there so we dont have to fight them here, doesnt give Christine Sheehan the right to camp out near Your ranch and ruin Your vacation!
Christine Sheehan says she met You two months after her son died, and you didnt know his name. What does she expect? There have been over eighteen hundred Americans killed in this war! How are You supposed to keep track of all their names?
Also, she says You acted like it was a party, and You called her Mom. Maybe when You sent Andy Card out to talk to her, he should have explained that You have a gift for nicknames--its a sign of affection. Like when You called Colin Powell Balloonfoot. Or when You called Karl Rove Turd Blossom.
Theres only one way to deal with the Christine Sheehans of the world:
Remember right before You got out of town for Your summer vacation, You made John Bolton Your Temporary United Nations Ambassador (TUNA)? I was starting to worry hed never get confirmed, and guess what?
POP QUIZ: Who did the Liberal Barack Obama call: A man who bullies, marginalizes and undermines those who do not agree with them . . . ?
A. Saddam Hussein
B. Kim Jong-il
Answer: None of the above! It was John Bolton!
The Liberal Barack Obama is whining just because Melody Townsel said when she was leader of an AID project in Kyrgystan, she complained about the contractors performance, and Bolton chased her through the halls of her hotel, throwing things at her, shoving threatening letters under her door, and behaving like a madman.
She said he spread rumors that she was going to jail and made unconsicionable comments about her weight, wardrobe, and sexuality. She said Boltons behavior was pathological.
I know, I know. Youre thinking we need to call Dr. Frist and tell him to make a statement saying, Ive viewed a tape and there is insufficient evidence to conclude that John Bolton is pathological.
Dont You get it? We dont need Dr. Frist to make a diagnosis! It didnt work with Terry Schiavo, and it wont work now! I hope You dont mind my telling You, Your Presidentness, but You have one big problem and here it is: Youre a people pleaser! Youre always trying to be a uniter, not a divider!
Like, when You gave those reporters the One-Finger Victory Salute before You left for Your vacation. Do You remember how You invented the One-Finger Victory Salute when You were governor of Texas? Its a middle-fingered shorthand for when You want to call a reporter a world-class ***hole, like You also did when You were governor. But maybe Your voice is hoarse or You dont have the time to call him a world-class ***hole. Or maybe You forgot the word for it. So You just give them the One-Finger Victory Salute and . . . Mission Accomplished!
If You dont want to use the One-Finger Victory Salute, sometimes You can do The Novak Retreat. The Novak Retreat is when you say, This is bull**** and stomp away. The Novak Retreat will get you by in a pinch, but it can also backfire on you. The next thing you know, everybodys accusing you of treason and outing CIA spies and ruining our national security.
Another popular message is The Cheney F Bomb. The Cheney F Bomb works well when You want to shut up liberal senators like Patrick Leahy who are asking nosy questions like how come Halliburton got $500 million dollars in no-bid contracts and where did all that money go? Drop The Cheney F Bomb on em! Heres how You do it--just curl Your upper lip, and snarl out of the side: Go f*** yourself! End of argument!
But this Christine Sheehan situation is going to take more powerful medicine than the One-Finger Victory Salute! Like I said, The Novak Retreat can be risky. Even The Cheney F Bomb might not do the job.
No, theres only one thing to do: Boltonize her! Chase her around Crawford throwing things, making threats, and acting like a madman! It worked on Melody Townsel, itll work on Christine Sheehan too! Thatll teach the Gold Star Mothers for Peace to call You a liar and a maniac and accuse You of starting an illegal war! Thatll teach em to say You should be impeached!
Boltonize Christine Sheehan, and then You can get back to having the nice relaxing vacation You deserve! Then, while the cops are hauling her away, You can kick back in Your hammock and give her the One-Finger Victory Salute!
Have a great summer!
Extra Credit Question: Who made the following statement:
If the UN building lost ten stories, it wouldnt make any difference.
A) Osama bin Laden
B) Martha Stewart
C) Condoleezza Rice
Answer: None of the above! It was Your TUNA John Bolton again! I cant wait to see the new leaner, meaner twenty-nine story UN building after he Boltonizes it.