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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

What’s Your favorite TV show of all time? Mine’s the Watergate hearings. I used to watch them every day and reruns every night! I knew all the players! I guess You could say I was a Watergate buff.

POP QUIZ:

Question: Who was the White House Chief of Dirty Tricks?


Answer: Donald Segretti. Remember when Segretti faked a letter on Senator Muskie’s letterhead making it look like Muskie had an illegitimate child with a 17 year-old girl? What a kidder that Segretti was!

Question: Who said: "Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and to live the truth.”

Answer: President Nixon.

Question: Who said: I have told my staff, I want full cooperation with the Justice Department . . . . I expect it to be delivered on a timely basis. I want there to be full participation because . . . I am most interested in finding out the truth.

Answer: It was You!

You see? Nobody knows more about Watergate than I do! That’s why I can be Your Expert Advisor as you navigate the treacherous waters of:

JOSEPH-WILSON’S-UNNAMED-WIFE-WHO-WASN’T-AN-UNDERCOVER-SPYGATE!

By the way, when Karl Rove sent that email spreading the rumor that John McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, did Donald Segretti help him or did Rove think of that all by himself?


TALKING POINT: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby have not been convicted of any crime! Innocent until proven guilty! Here’s what You should say:

“I’ve learned my lesson. When I attacked The Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein, I made a premature judgment that he had WMD(s). If I had allowed the inspectors to do their job, maybe we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now. I won’t make that mistake again. Karl Rove and Scooter Libby don’t have WMD(s) and I won’t fire them until it’s proven they do!”


(By the way, a “premature judgment” is when you make a decision while the idea is still in your gut, before it has time to reach your brain.)

Who’s Your favorite player in Joseph-Wilson’s-Unnamed-Wife-Who-Wasn’t-An-Undercover-Spygate? So far, my favorite is Cheney’s chief of staff, I. L. “Scooter” Libby! Did Cheney nickname him “Scooter” because he “scoots” around, answering his cell phone, cupping his hand over his mouth, and whispering, “Yeah, I’ve heard that, too.”

Or did You make up his nickname? You’re so good at that. Speaking of nicknames, I heard You call Karl Rove, “Turd Blossom.” How do You come up with all these ideas?


Anyway, another reason I like I. L. “Scooter” Libby is because he reminds me of my favorite Watergate player: H. R. “Bob” Haldeman!


Remember him? Haldeman called himself “Nixon’s son-of-a-(expletive deleted).” I especially liked H. R. “Bob” Haldeman’s flat top! You could balance books on it! Maybe You should tell I. L. “Scooter” Libby to get a flat top.


One player You should watch out for is the special prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald. I hope You don’t have any secret tapes, because pretty soon, Fitzgerald will be nosing around asking for them. Stonewall! Give him transcripts instead!

But be sure to clean them up. Don’t let it come out that Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove outed Joseph Wilson’s unnamed wife who wasn’t an undercover spy. Make sure the transcript says, “Karl “(expletive deleted) Blossom” Rove outed Joseph Wilson’s unnamed wife who wasn’t an undercover spy.”

By the way, congratulations on picking John Roberts for the Supreme Court! Good timing! This will keep “Turd Blossom” off the front page for a week! We’re all looking forward to getting to know John Roberts, but with an anti-abortion, pro-corporate white guy who used to work for Ken Starr, how can we go wrong?!

Relive the magic!
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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