President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Whats Your favorite TV show of all time? Mines the Watergate hearings. I used to watch them every day and reruns every night! I knew all the players! I guess You could say I was a Watergate buff.
Question: Who was the White House Chief of Dirty Tricks?
Answer: Donald Segretti. Remember when Segretti faked a letter on Senator Muskies letterhead making it look like Muskie had an illegitimate child with a 17 year-old girl? What a kidder that Segretti was!
Question: Who said: "Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and to live the truth.
Answer: President Nixon.
Question: Who said: I have told my staff, I want full cooperation with the Justice Department . . . . I expect it to be delivered on a timely basis. I want there to be full participation because . . . I am most interested in finding out the truth.
Answer: It was You!
You see? Nobody knows more about Watergate than I do! Thats why I can be Your Expert Advisor as you navigate the treacherous waters of:
By the way, when Karl Rove sent that email spreading the rumor that John McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, did Donald Segretti help him or did Rove think of that all by himself?
TALKING POINT: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby have not been convicted of any crime! Innocent until proven guilty! Heres what You should say:
Ive learned my lesson. When I attacked The Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein, I made a premature judgment that he had WMD(s). If I had allowed the inspectors to do their job, maybe we wouldnt be in the mess were in now. I wont make that mistake again. Karl Rove and Scooter Libby dont have WMD(s) and I wont fire them until its proven they do!
(By the way, a premature judgment is when you make a decision while the idea is still in your gut, before it has time to reach your brain.)
Whos Your favorite player in Joseph-Wilsons-Unnamed-Wife-Who-Wasnt-An-Undercover-Spygate? So far, my favorite is Cheneys chief of staff, I. L. Scooter Libby! Did Cheney nickname him Scooter because he scoots around, answering his cell phone, cupping his hand over his mouth, and whispering, Yeah, Ive heard that, too.
Or did You make up his nickname? Youre so good at that. Speaking of nicknames, I heard You call Karl Rove, Turd Blossom. How do You come up with all these ideas?
Anyway, another reason I like I. L. Scooter Libby is because he reminds me of my favorite Watergate player: H. R. Bob Haldeman!
Remember him? Haldeman called himself Nixons son-of-a-(expletive deleted). I especially liked H. R. Bob Haldemans flat top! You could balance books on it! Maybe You should tell I. L. Scooter Libby to get a flat top.
One player You should watch out for is the special prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald. I hope You dont have any secret tapes, because pretty soon, Fitzgerald will be nosing around asking for them. Stonewall! Give him transcripts instead!
But be sure to clean them up. Dont let it come out that Karl Turd Blossom Rove outed Joseph Wilsons unnamed wife who wasnt an undercover spy. Make sure the transcript says, Karl (expletive deleted) Blossom Rove outed Joseph Wilsons unnamed wife who wasnt an undercover spy.
By the way, congratulations on picking John Roberts for the Supreme Court! Good timing! This will keep Turd Blossom off the front page for a week! Were all looking forward to getting to know John Roberts, but with an anti-abortion, pro-corporate white guy who used to work for Ken Starr, how can we go wrong?!
Relive the magic!