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Thursday, July 07, 2005

July 7, 2005
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

Orange Alert!

Just when I thought it was SAFE! to go outside again, London gets hit and we’re back on Orange Alert! It makes me miss the good ol’ days when You were running for president and we were always spiking it up to Orange Alert! It just goes to show--it’s a good thing You won because ever since, we’ve been on a nice, relaxed Yellow Alert, and we’ve all felt much safer.

Until now! To tell You the truth, I think everybody should take a deep breath. Remember when You said:

"We are taking the fight to the enemy abroad so we do not have to face them here at home."

It’s working! Fight the terrorists in London so we don’t have to fight them here! Actually--I take it back. Let’s go back to fighting them in Iraq. That way, when people get blown up, we won’t have to watch it on the news all day!

Anyway, congratulations on a great summit! I was glad You held the line with Tony Blair. Just because he risked his political neck by backing You in Iraq, now he thinks he’s got political capital, and he’s spending it on Africa and global warming. Don’t give an inch!

POP QUIZ: Name one African leader.


You see? Why should we spend billions of dollars on a continent when You don’t even know the name of anybody who runs the place?


And as far as global warming goes, buy Tony Blair a new pair of swimming trunks.

But that’s not why I’m writing this memo. With everything You’ve had to think about at the G8 Convention, You probably haven’t had a minute to think about who to replace Sandra Day O’Connor with on the Supreme Court. So I’ve done Your homework for You. I’ve narrowed the field to the three most qualified candidates, along with their pros and cons. Any one of these would make a great Supreme Court Justice. But it’s still up to You to make the tough decision. Ready?

1. John Bolton. The Demos have been planning their strategy against Your nominee for years! They think they’ve covered every contingency possible. Blind-side them!

Pro:
He probably isn’t going to make it as UN Ambassador anyway, and this would be a perfect way to save face. As Supreme Court Justice, the only person Bolton will be spying on is Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And--because Supreme Court Justice is a lifetime position, he won’t be under pressure to get along with anybody.

Con: You wanted a Hispanic Justice. When Bolton fired Jose Bustani as head of the Organization for Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, Bolton said he didn’t want any more Latin American directors because of their “sheer incompetence.

Pro: When Bolton said that, he also said, “If any of this gets out of this room, I’ll kill the person responsible.” He’ll be strong on the death penalty.

2. Karl Rove. Another sleeper. The Supreme Court has been getting a lot of bad press lately, mainly because of activist judges like Sandra Day O’Connor. Put in The Number One P.R. Genius of the Century and give the court a facelift!

Pro: Now that it’s coming out that Karl Rove was the guy who outted Valerie Plame, the CIA spy, where’s the one place he can go where the law can’t touch him? I think You see where I’m going. If they still want to accuse Rove of treason, let them take it to the Supreme Court! He can write the opinion!

Con: You lose The Number One P.R. Genius of the Century! That’s ok. You lost the Number Two P.R. Genius, Karen Hughes, when she had to spend more time with her family. She still helps You out. Rove will, too!

3. You! I know, I know--nobody’s ever appointed himself Supreme Court Justice before. But nobody had ever appointed himself Vice President till Cheney did. It worked then, it’ll work again!

Pro: Speaking of Cheney, if You appoint Yourself Supreme Court Justice, President Cheney will have to take the heat! Let’s face it--this war isn’t fun anymore. You’ve even got Republicans like Chuck Hagel saying, "It's like they're just making it up as they go along. The reality is, we're losing in Iraq."

What does Hagel know?! Just because he’s a decorated Vietnam veteran doesn’t give him the right to criticize Our Commander-in-Chief! Besides, You know a thing or two about military service. I bet if You’d been a black kid with no education or job and You’d been drafted, You would have gone to Vietnam, too!

But enought about the “Vn” word (Vietnam). My point is, being Our President isn’t as much fun as it used to be. You couldn’t overthrow Iraq and You couldn’t overthrow Social Security. Iran and North Korea have nukes, our country’s going broke, we lost Terry Schiavo, and government scientists are doing studies to see if the polar ice caps are melting. Get out while You’re on top! Then, when things get really bad, who will take the fall? Cheney!

Pro: Cheney won’t care if being president isn’t fun. Cheney’s idea of a good time is wearing a parka and ski cap to an Auschwitz ceremony.

Con:
We won’t have You as Our President anymore.


Pro: You can be a Supreme Court Justice for the rest of Your life! You can be the gift that keeps on giving!


On second thought, narrow Your choice down to Bolton or Rove. Don’t pick Yourself till Rhenquist retires! Then You can be Chief Justice!

Wave the flag! Display your bumper sticker! Support Our Troops!
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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