July 7, 2005
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Just when I thought it was SAFE! to go outside again, London gets hit and were back on Orange Alert! It makes me miss the good ol days when You were running for president and we were always spiking it up to Orange Alert! It just goes to show--its a good thing You won because ever since, weve been on a nice, relaxed Yellow Alert, and weve all felt much safer.
Until now! To tell You the truth, I think everybody should take a deep breath. Remember when You said:
"We are taking the fight to the enemy abroad so we do not have to face them here at home."
Its working! Fight the terrorists in London so we dont have to fight them here! Actually--I take it back. Lets go back to fighting them in Iraq. That way, when people get blown up, we wont have to watch it on the news all day!
Anyway, congratulations on a great summit! I was glad You held the line with Tony Blair. Just because he risked his political neck by backing You in Iraq, now he thinks hes got political capital, and hes spending it on Africa and global warming. Dont give an inch!
POP QUIZ: Name one African leader.
You see? Why should we spend billions of dollars on a continent when You dont even know the name of anybody who runs the place?
And as far as global warming goes, buy Tony Blair a new pair of swimming trunks.
But thats not why Im writing this memo. With everything Youve had to think about at the G8 Convention, You probably havent had a minute to think about who to replace Sandra Day OConnor with on the Supreme Court. So Ive done Your homework for You. Ive narrowed the field to the three most qualified candidates, along with their pros and cons. Any one of these would make a great Supreme Court Justice. But its still up to You to make the tough decision. Ready?
1. John Bolton. The Demos have been planning their strategy against Your nominee for years! They think theyve covered every contingency possible. Blind-side them!
Pro: He probably isnt going to make it as UN Ambassador anyway, and this would be a perfect way to save face. As Supreme Court Justice, the only person Bolton will be spying on is Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And--because Supreme Court Justice is a lifetime position, he wont be under pressure to get along with anybody.
Con: You wanted a Hispanic Justice. When Bolton fired Jose Bustani as head of the Organization for Prohibition of Chemical Weapons, Bolton said he didnt want any more Latin American directors because of their sheer incompetence.
Pro: When Bolton said that, he also said, If any of this gets out of this room, Ill kill the person responsible. Hell be strong on the death penalty.
2. Karl Rove. Another sleeper. The Supreme Court has been getting a lot of bad press lately, mainly because of activist judges like Sandra Day OConnor. Put in The Number One P.R. Genius of the Century and give the court a facelift!
Pro: Now that its coming out that Karl Rove was the guy who outted Valerie Plame, the CIA spy, wheres the one place he can go where the law cant touch him? I think You see where Im going. If they still want to accuse Rove of treason, let them take it to the Supreme Court! He can write the opinion!
Con: You lose The Number One P.R. Genius of the Century! Thats ok. You lost the Number Two P.R. Genius, Karen Hughes, when she had to spend more time with her family. She still helps You out. Rove will, too!
3. You! I know, I know--nobodys ever appointed himself Supreme Court Justice before. But nobody had ever appointed himself Vice President till Cheney did. It worked then, itll work again!
Pro: Speaking of Cheney, if You appoint Yourself Supreme Court Justice, President Cheney will have to take the heat! Lets face it--this war isnt fun anymore. Youve even got Republicans like Chuck Hagel saying, "It's like they're just making it up as they go along. The reality is, we're losing in Iraq."
What does Hagel know?! Just because hes a decorated Vietnam veteran doesnt give him the right to criticize Our Commander-in-Chief! Besides, You know a thing or two about military service. I bet if Youd been a black kid with no education or job and Youd been drafted, You would have gone to Vietnam, too!
But enought about the Vn word (Vietnam). My point is, being Our President isnt as much fun as it used to be. You couldnt overthrow Iraq and You couldnt overthrow Social Security. Iran and North Korea have nukes, our countrys going broke, we lost Terry Schiavo, and government scientists are doing studies to see if the polar ice caps are melting. Get out while Youre on top! Then, when things get really bad, who will take the fall? Cheney!
Pro: Cheney wont care if being president isnt fun. Cheneys idea of a good time is wearing a parka and ski cap to an Auschwitz ceremony.
Con: We wont have You as Our President anymore.
Pro: You can be a Supreme Court Justice for the rest of Your life! You can be the gift that keeps on giving!
On second thought, narrow Your choice down to Bolton or Rove. Dont pick Yourself till Rhenquist retires! Then You can be Chief Justice!
Wave the flag! Display your bumper sticker! Support Our Troops!