President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Thank you so much for clearing things up in your speech Tuesday night. Weve all been so confused! Now I get it!
When we first invaded Iraq, I thought it was because they had Weapons of Mass Destruction and we didnt want to wind up on the wrong end of a mushroom cloud.
But then it turned out we had to invade Iraq because we had to overthrow the Evil Dictator Saddam Hussein, because he was a torturer and a murderer who used extreme interrogation techniques on his prisoners. Also, because he gassed his own people with the chemical weapons we gave him.
When we captured the Evil Dictator, I breathed a big sigh of relief and said, Mission Accomplished! At last, we can all go home! But it turned out we hadnt accomplished our real mission which was to make Iraq free and spread democracy throughout the world!
My head was spinning! I got so confused, I couldnt even remember why we were attacking Vietnam in the first place! But then, it all came together when I heard your speech! Youve had a secret plan all along! You tipped Your hand when You said:
< Iraq is the latest battlefield in this war. Many terrorists who kill innocent men, women, and children on the streets of Baghdad are followers of the same murderous ideology that took the lives of our citizens in New York, in Washington, and Pennsylvania.
And that was when I knew! Youve had a 2-pronged plan all along, and here it is:
Prong 1: Level Iraq!
Prong 2: Send out a call from Iraq to every terrorist in the world saying, Come on down! Then, let them morph and multiply in a condensed area no bigger than California!
It worked! The terrorists walked right into Your trap! Now weve got em right where we want em! I guess thats why Youre Our President, and Im just a neighborhood grocer.
Question: Did you plan this Yourself, or did Cheney and Rumsfeld help You?
Then you said:
Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Among the terrorists, there is no debate. Hear the words of Osama Bin Laden: This Third World War is raging in Iraq. The whole world is watching this war.
Did Bin Laden tell you that? Im glad you two are finally speaking to each other again. Youve been butting heads for so long! Find the common ground! You both agree now that Saddam is gone, Iraq is a hotbed of terror and Youve started World War III. Good start! Build on it!
I almost cried when You said:
This Fourth of July, I ask you to find a way to thank the men and women defending our freedom -- by flying the flag, sending a letter to our troops in the field, or helping the military family down the street.
Believe me, Im going to do a lot more than wave my flag! Im starting a collection in my neighborhood to armor a Hummer! And my wife, Viola, is going to the food bank to hand out cheese to National Guard widows. Also, weve decided to cancel the fireworks this year. The vets who just came home say the noise makes them nervous.
Anyway, I liked Your speech at Fort Bragg last night, but I have a question:
WHY DIDNT YOU WEAR YOUR FIGHTER PILOTS JUMPSUIT???!!! I know You have a lot on Your mind these days, but you squandered a perfect photo-op!
Karl Rove should have been all over this, but he was asleep at the switch! He got himself all worked up into a froth because the liberals want the terrorists to go for therapy, and the liberals think Gitmo is a gulag, and the liberals think the U.S. is like Nazi Germany, and the liberals think Youre as bad as Hitler!
Has Rove lost his mind?! Every liberal knows Youre not as bad as Hitler!
Anyway, I havent seen You wear Your fighter pilots jumpsuit in such a long time, it makes me wonder: Would you consider selling it? If so, could You give me right of first refusal? My credits really good and I think I can beat any offer.
< Speaking of credit, heres a tip: Dont sell Your fighter pilots jumpsuit on eBay. You wouldnt believe all the credit card scams going on these days!
Stay the course! Were makin progress! Light at the end of the tunnel!
P.S. Is Your Mission Accomplished sign for sale? Id like to buy that too. Maybe you could give me a package deal.