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Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Is he gone yet?

It’s November post-election, which can only mean one thing: Time for the Democrats to flog themselves with esoteric poll minutae to figure out once and for all, “What Went Wrong This Time?”

Aside from the obvious factors such as:

1) The elections were rigged. Or should we say there were “irregularities?” Check out: http://www.blackboxvoting.org/

2) John Kerry became the latest war hero to have his character assassinated by Karl Rove, proving once and for all that lots of Americans feel safer being led to a bogus war by an AWOL alcoholic.

3) Republicans shamelessly exploited 9-11 and fanned the flames of homophobia and religious fanatacism to create divisions, confusion, and fear.

But I think I’ve come up with a solution that will not only salvage the Democratic party but will save the world. We must pass the following Constitutional Amendment:

AMENDMENT XXVIII

The right to vote shall be limited to United States citizens who are over the age of eighteen years, and of female gender. All elected officials must also be of female gender.

Men got to do all the driving for the first 150 years. Women got the right to vote in 1920, but men still have the keys to the car. And we keep crashing it. Give women the keys for 150 years and let’s see what they can do. They might screw things up too, but one thing is for sure: We know men are not up to the job. That’s a proven fact.

I’m willing to give up my vote. I’ll even go first if every man will follow me and do the same.

Women wouldn’t be as quick on the trigger to go to war as men. They don’t want to destroy the kids they’ve taken all the trouble to carry, deliver, and raise. Men like to blow things up. They see negotiation as a sign of weakness. We’d better get out of the way and let the women talk it over.

Women are nurturers. They’re nest builders. I don’t think they’d allow the planet to end up in such sorry shape as men have. Right now, the earth is like a bachelor pad: Dirty underwear strewn all around, leaky rusty faucets, peeling paint--who cares? We’ve got our great big TV with all the sports stations! Women wouldn’t run their planet like that. They’d straighten it up right away. “Honey, the polar ice caps are melting! Turn off the hockey game and come help...No, we can’t wait til half-time. This is an emergency!”

Go down the list: health care, economy, education, equal pay, child care... Who’s on top of those issues in most homes?


Here’s one: If women were in charge, do you think we’d be tearing each others’ throats out over gay marriage? The only thing we’d worry about is the color scheme at the wedding.

Abortions have skyrocketed during the bush administration. Women would put a stop to this immediately. They’d go back to the practical Clinton policies, when there was sex education in schools, teens were given birth control options, and abortion numbers were at a 20 year low.

Speaking of Clinton, I like Hillary. She’s tough and brilliant and has a good heart. Under the current system, if she ran against Bin Laden, she’d probably lose. But if we erradicate the male vote, say hello to President Rodham Clinton!

The pool of talented women is deep. Carole Mosely Braun is sweet, dignified, and fair. Patty Murray is a hero in Washington. I’d be happy to let my Congresswoman Darlene Hooley govern Oregon for awhile. I’d vote for Molly Ivins for anything. (Oops--I forgot I’m not allowed to vote.) Olympia Snow, Barbara Boxer...bring back Anita Hill!

My Constitutional Amendment is no panacea. We’ll still have to deal with Bay Buchanan, Ann Coulter, and Condoleezza Rice. Gale Norton’s a problem. But I think they can be marginalized. Besides, isn’t it worth the risk, knowing you’ll never have to look at george w. bush again? Or Jeb? Arnold can go back to making dumb movies.

My only question is: Should this amendment apply to cabinet members as well? I think it should, at least until the woman-led EPA concludes the testosterone level in the atmosphere has been lowered to an acceptable level.

Paul Chasman
November 13, 2004

 

 
 
 
 
 


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