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Thursday, October 28, 2004
October 29, 2004
Dr. Phil
5482 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Dear Dr. Phil,

My wife, Viola has a serious disease. I heard about this disease on TV last night. It’s called PEAD. PRE-ELECTION ANXIETY DISORDER.

Here’s the PEAD story The Liberal Keith Olberman told on his Countdown show:

A guy threatened to kill his girl friend with a screwdriver because she decided to vote for Kerry. He ended up going to jail, and she got to vote for Kerry. But The Liberal Keith Olberman said she lives in Florida, so her vote probably wouldn’t count anyway.

Lucky for that! What if she lived in California like you do? They’d probably count her vote there, and then where would we be?

I think Viola has PEAD, just like that lady in Florida who decided to vote for the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. Don’t worry--I love Viola and I’m not planning to kill her with a screwdriver. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to because she’s not here. But I get ahead of myself.

It all started last week when The Liberal New York Times broke that bogus story about the 380 tons of explosives that got stolen by terrorists in Iraq. I was eating my breakfast, and Viola threw the newspaper right into my cornflakes.

“Carl,” she said. “Look at what that incompetent moron you call ‘Your President’ has done now! 380 tons of explosives--lost! I guess we’d better build Star Wars after all!”

“But Viola,” I said, wiping cereal off my forehead. “Our President says maybe those explosives were stolen before we invaded.”

“Carl, you idiot!” she exclaimed. “Don’t you see? If that’s true, that’s worse! If Your President was so worried about WMD(s), and he’s got satellites monitoring every inch of Iraq, how could he let them steal those weapons right out from under his nose?”

Then do you know what she did? She was wearing her Kerry/Edwards cap and her Kerry t-shirt and her Kerry buttons and her Bush B Gon button and her Save a Tree: Trim a Bush button, and she started marching around the kitchen, chanting and waving an American flag--and do you know what she was chanting?

PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!
PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!


“But look,” I said, pointing to the newspaper. “It says here that they don’t know when the explosives were stolen. Here’s my theory: I think it happened when Clinton was president. That’s the only thing that makes sense! I’d better write My President right away and alert him to this!”

PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!
PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!


Viola continued to chant. If I had only known then what I know now, I could have read the signs: PEAD.

But I kept trying to argue with her, which is the worst thing you can do with a PEAD sufferer.

“Besides,” I argued. “Look at what Our President said! He says the Flip-Flopping Traitor is ‘denigrating the action of our troops and commanders in the field.’

“Denigrating?!” she exclaimed. “Who taught him that word? Do you want to hear ‘denigrating our troops?’ Listen to this:

‘The actual responsibility for it really would be for the troops that were there. Did they search carefully enough?’

“Guess who said that?”

“The Flip-Flopping Traitor?” I guessed. “Bill Clinton?”

“No, you fool! It was Mr. 9-11 Hero Himself: Rudy Giuliani!”

“Giuliani said that? Oh well--it was probably taken out of context and he didn’t mean it the way it sounded and he was misquoted and he doesn’t speak for the President. Besides,” I continued. “Did you hear what else Our President said?:

‘A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief.’

“AMEN!” shouted Viola. Then she went back to her eerie PEAD chant:

PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!
PRESIDENT KERRY! PRESIDENT KERRY!


Dr. Phil, if I had only understood then about the heartbreak of PEAD, I might have been able to save my beloved Viola. As it is, she’s gone, and if anything happens to her, I’ll never forgive myself.

This morning, I woke up and next to me in bed instead of Viola were her 32 kittens (another PEAD symptom I failed to recognize). I got up and went downstairs, expecting to find her in the kitchen, making my breakfast. But I didn’t find Viola. I only found this note:

Dear Carl,

I’ve gone to Florida to monitor the election. I’ll be back after all the court cases are decided. There are lots of TV dinners in the freezer. Read the instructions. Also, don’t forget to feed the kittens. Love, Viola

P.S. PRESIDENT KERRY! Has a nice ring, doesn’t it?


Dr. Phil, I’m beside myself with worry. I’d go to Florida to find Viola, but it’s a big state and I don’t know where to begin. I’m also afraid that in her PEAD-influenced state-of-mind, she might have gone off the deep end and voted for the Flip-Flopping Traitor. Is there any way to nullify her vote if it’s proven she was suffering from PEAD?

Also, do you take the foil off before you heat the TV dinner?

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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