Monday, October 25, 2004
October 26, 2004
His Majesty, The President
George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Majesty,
380 Tons of Explosives! Stolen! Disappeared! In the hands of terrorists! I don’t feel SAFE!
We must call off the elections! This is a national security issue! We cannot allow The Flip-Flopping Frenchman to become president! Not now! Not with 380 Tons of Explosives floating around in terrorist hands! If he’s elected, we won’t be SAFE!
I figured out something--Remember when You landed that fighter jet on the S.S. Abraham Lincoln and You had that fighter pilot suit on and You made that speech in front of the sign that said, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”?
(By the way, what was that You had stuffed in Your crotch? That wasn’t all You, was it? I never saw that much of a package when You were wearing a suit. Maybe it was some rolled up socks. I hear Mick Jagger does that.)
Anyway, I’ve been doing some figuring and guess what? The very moment You were talking to our brave men and women under the sign, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” was the exact moment the terrorist looters were stealing the 380 Tons of Explosives from the munitions building in Iraq!
It’s the only thing that makes sense! You were busy making us SAFE! You were busy being RESOLUTE AND FIRM! Those terrorists are a sneaky bunch--they saw their opening and they took it!
(By the way, when I said You were FIRM, I was talking about your INNER FIRMNESS--I wasn’t talking about Your rolled up socks.)
Anyway, now that the terrorists have stolen 380 Tons of Explosives while You were making Your “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” speech, the world is a more dangerous place than ever! We have to stop the Flip-Flopping Frenchman before he gets elected! Can you imagine what a hash he’d make of things if he were president? Did you hear what the he called You yesterday?! Here’s what he called You:
After the Supreme Court re-elects You, I think You should arrest the Flip-Flopping Frenchman for calling you, “INCOMPETENT.” We can’t have people going around calling His Majesty “INCOMPETENT!” If the terrorists start thinking You’re “INCOMPETENT,” they might think they can get away with anything! They might try to use those 380 Tons of Explosives on us because the Flip-Flopping Frenchman told them His Majesty is “INCOMPETENT.”
By the way, You gave me a real scare the other night. You were being interviewed by the Fair and Balanced Brit Hume. Everything was going along fine--You were staying on message and pronouncing most of Your words right. Then it happened! Fair and Balanced Brit Hume asked you when we would finally be SAFE! from terrorism, and here’s what You said:
“Whether or not we can be ever fully safe is up —uhhh-- you know, up in the air."
“OH NO!” I shouted! “His Majesty is flip-flopping!”
But then I thought, “Of course! What He means is our safety is “up in the air” because if the Flip-Flopping Frenchman gets elected, then we won’t be SAFE!”
But if You win, we’ll be SAFE! Right?
POP QUIZ: What do The American Conservative magazine and Crawford, Texas’ Lone Star Iconoclast have in common?
Answer: They both endorsed the Flip-Flopping Frenchman. Here’s what the traitors at The American Conservative said:
“Bush’s public performances plainly show him to be a man who has never read or thought much about foreign policy.” And this:
“As long as Bush is president, we have no real allies in the world, no friends to help us dig out from the Iraq quagmire... Only the seriously deluded could fail to see that... making yourself into the world’s most hated country is not an obvious way to secure (other nations’) help.” And this:
“George W. Bush has come to embody a politics that is antithetical to almost any kind of thoughtful conservatism. His international policies have been based on the hopelessly naïve belief that foreign peoples are eager to be liberated by American armies—a notion more grounded in Leon Trotsky’s concept of global revolution than any sort of conservative statecraft.”
Betrayers! Double-crossers! Your Majesty, treachery is afoot! Mutiny is in the air! These aren’t normal times! There are terrorists running around with 380 Tons of Explosives that they stole while You were giving Your “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” speech! This is no time to be questioning His Majesty, Our President!
Arrest them all! Throw them in the dungeon! Quickly, Sir! The elections are upon us! You must act now, before the Flip-Flopping Frenchman becomes president! It’s the only way to make America
Your Humble and Faithful Servant,