Sunday, October 24, 2004
October 25, 2004
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Rove,
Question: Who is the Greatest Political Operator of All Time?
a) Bill Clinton
b) William J. Clinton
c) William Jefferson Clinton
Answer: None of the above! The correct answer is: You!
I have scientific proof and here it is:
HEADLINE! 380 Tons of Explosives Vanished from Iraqi Site!
You see? I proved it. Here’s how:
Close your eyes and pretend Bill Clinton is president. Pretend he gets a briefing titled, “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the U.S.” Pretend he does nothing about it except cut the terrorism budget and say his top priority is the war on drugs. Pretend it’s Clinton who was president when 9-11 happened. What do we do to Clinton?
IMPEACH HIM! You guys would eat him for breakfast! He’d be lucky to make it through September 12!
Ok. Now pretend Clinton’s still president. Pretend he goes to Congress and makes up a story about how 9-11 is all Saddam’s fault and we have to take him out because he’s about to nuke us. Now pretend we get over there and the closest thing we find to WMD(s) is an old, used bottle of French’s mustard. What do we do to Clinton?
IMPEACH HIM! We won’t even need Monica’s dress this time!
Now--pretend Clinton is president and he talks Congress into letting him bomb Iraq and he bungles everything that can possibly be bungled, and then he bungles some more! Pretend he forgets to protect Baghdad from looters. Pretend he forgets to rebuild the sewers and the roads and the water system. Pretend he fires the entire Iraqi army, leaving the entire job of policing Iraq up to us.
Pretend Clinton’s legal team sends out memos that the Geneva Convention is “quaint and obsolete” and the next thing you know, there are pictures of naked, tortured, Iraqi prisoners on the front page. Pretend 1100 U.S. soldiers are killed, over 8000 injured, and no end in sight on Clinton’s watch.
Pretend Clinton is president and the headline says:
380 Tons of Explosives Vanished from Iraqi Site!
And the reason the headline says that is because the terrorist looters walked away with enough explosives to blow up 760,000 airplanes when Clinton forgot to guard the building. What happens to Clinton?
WE IMPEACH HIM!
That is why you, Karl “Boy Genius” Rove, are the Scientifically Proven Greatest Political Operative of All Time. Guess who did all the things we just pretended Clinton got impeached for?
His Majesty, Our President!
And guess what we say about His Majesty? He’s a STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADER! He’s CONSISTENT and STAYS THE COURSE! He’s got RESOLVE! He’s the only one who can make us SAFE!
Karl Rove, you are the Harry Houdini of Politics! Remember Harry Houdini? He was the great escape artist. Do you know what most people would do if you threw them to the bottom of the sea? They’d drown.
But not Harry Houdini. In fact, getting thrown to the bottom of the sea was too easy for him, so he had to put on lots of straight jackets and get tied up with ropes and giant chains and get put in a vault with a big padlock on it. THEN--they’d throw him to the bottom of the sea, and guess what he’d do? He’d come up to the surface a few minutes later with his arms spread wide and a big smile on his face.
Just like you! TA-DA!
Here’s your Great Escape Act:
First, they put you in a straight jacket that says: 9-11: Asleep at the Switch
Then, they put you in another straight jacket that says: Bungled Iraq War
They put you in another straight jacket that says: U.S. Economy Wrecked
They put you in a straight jacket that says: International Relations in Shambles
They tie you up with a thick rope that says: Civil Rights in Dumpster
They wrap a big chain around you that says: Environment Trashed
Then they lock you in a vault with a voice that keeps saying things like:
“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." And:
“I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." And:
“Bill Frist married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."
If Bill Clinton had to wear just one of those straight jackets, he’d sink like a stone to the bottom of the sea! Clinton’s overrated! He couldn’t even escape from a straight jacket that said: AWOL, DUI, Coke Freak!
But not you, Karl “Houdini” Rove! You strap on all those straight jackets and you wrap yourself up in ropes and chains and lock yourself in a babbling vault and guess what?
We all love His Majesty! He’s the One we would most like to have a barbeque with! FREEDOM IS ON THE MARCH!
You win! You’re the best! Come on up and take a bow! TA-DA!