Wednesday, October 13, 2004
October 14, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
You did it! 3 for 3! A shutout!
It’s like I always tell my grandson, Lester: The important thing is how you think you did. You’re only competing against yourself! And You won!
The first debate was hard because You hadn’t talked to “Non-Loyalty Oath” folks in a long time. That was James “The Handler” Baker’s fault. He should have made everybody sign a Loyalty Oath before they came in. But You did the best You could with one hand tied behind Your back. 1 for 1.
The second debate will be remembered as the YELLING! debate. You made a strategic decision to YELL! instead of *smowling and **bluttering and ***confinkling. Good choice, Sir! YELLING!/em> worked much better! 2 for 2.
But in Debate III: The Rubbermatch, You decided on a totally different tactic. The third debate will forever be remembered as: The Smench Debate. ****Smenching is when You force Your face to smile, and then You clench it really tight for an hour and a half. Smenching was the best strategy of all! And You never let go! A 90 minute smench! They should put You in the Guiness Book of World Records! 3 for 3!
It just shows the difference between You and the Flip-Flopping Frenchman! He never changed! In every single debate, all he could do was stand up straight and tall and speak in a deep, booming voice and look presidential, and rattle off a bunch of boring facts like:
“This president is the first president to lose jobs since Herbert Hoover.
And what did You do when he said that? You smenched! This shows why You’re the Greatest President Since Herbert Hoover! You adapt! You’re flexible! You always have a new trick up Your sleeve!
Speaking of the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, I noticed we don’t call him that anymore. Now we call him the Liberal Senator from Massachusetts Liberal Senator from Massachusetts Liberal Senator from Massachusetts. That’s the state Ted Kennedy Ted Kennedy Ted Kennedy is from. Ted Kennedy.
Liberal Senator from Massachusetts.
(Ted Kennedy) But these issues are too complicated for me! (Ted Kennedy) I get so confused! (Liberal Senator from Massachusetts) Sometimes I think I’m SAFE! and then You say something that makes me want to hide under the bed!
First we caught Saddam Hussein, the Evil Dictator who attacked us on 9-11. SAFE!
Then it turns out it was bin Laden who attacked us. NOT SAFE!
Then, last March You said: “We haven't heard much from him ... And, again, I don't know where he is. I — I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him." SAFE!
But then, last night You said: “Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those exaggerations.” NOT SAFE!
Gosh, I can’t keep up! (Massachusetts Senator is more liberal than Ted Kennedy.)
And what about prescription drugs? Four years ago, You said You’d look into letting us get prescriptions from Canada, but in the YELLING! debate, You said You were still looking into it and You can’t let us have them yet because they’re notSAFE! (Ted Kennedy)
But here’s what You said last night:
“We're working with Canada to hopefully -- that they'll produce a -- help us realize the vaccine necessary to make sure our citizens have got flu vaccinations during this upcoming season.”
CANADA?! I don’t want a flu shot from Canada! It wouldn’t be SAFE! I guess that explains why You said:
“I haven't gotten a flu shot, and I don't intend to...”
I don’t know about You, but I’m glad these debates are over! (Ted Kennedy) The debates make us think a lot, and I’m tired of thinking! I’m looking forward to relaxing for the next two weeks--there should be lots of good ads on TV.
Also, I can’t wait to see that 90 minute show: “Stolen Honor,” which is all about how the Liberal Senator From Massachusetts Who’s Even More Liberal Than Ted Kennedy was a traitor to his country because he used his father’s influence to get in the National Guard so he wouldn’t be sent to Vietnam and then he went AWOL for a year and a half and when he finally turned up, he was stoned and drunk and stayed that way til he was forty.
What other kinds of ads are You going to show? I hear You’re going to run some ads that “define” Teresa Heinz. That’s a great idea! I bet there’s a lot we don’t know about her!
We’re just getting started! Let the campaign begin!
Glossary of Terms
*Smowl: When You smirk and a scowl at the same time.
**Blutter: When You get nervous and blink Your eyes really fast so they flutter like a hummingbird.
***Confinkle: When You get confused and wrinkle Your forehead.
****Smench: A 90 minute clenched smile.