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Sunday, October 10, 2004
October 11, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

Have You seen what’s going around the Internet? It’s a picture of You in the first debate. Under Your suit, there’s a rectangular bulge in back.

Theories are flying like Wallendas! Here are the three flying theories:

Theory 1: It’s a bullet proof vest. Your spokesmen deny it. Anyway, if it was a bulletproof vest, it would only protect a foot-long, rectangular part of your back. Unless that thin wire shape that stretches from the rectangle up toward your ear is bulletproof too. Theory 1: Not likely.

Theory 2: It’s the tailor’s fault! George de Paris said, “It must have been a pucker along the back seam, accentuated when he crossed his arms and leaned forward."

Wait a minute! My President wouldn’t wear a suit made by someone named George de Paris! Besides, I saw that “pucker” even when You weren’t crossing Your arms. I saw the “pucker” when You were waving them, too! Theory 2: Not likely.

Theory 3: It’s an electronic device that helped You hear Your aides telling You the right answers. Theory 3 is the only one that makes sense! I knew the Liberal Media touched a nerve when your spokesman called it “preposterous,” and said he wouldn’t “dignify this baseless issue” with a response. And then, when the only excuse they could come up with was it was your French tailor’s fault, I knew we were on to something! Theory 3: Likely!

Who was feeding You the answers? Was it Cheney? Karl Rove? Laura? Maybe it was all of them. Maybe that’s why You *blumped so much! (See glossary) Too many cooks spoil the broth!

Cheney and Rove and Laura must have been talking to You all at once when You blumped on the very first question:

McNeill Lehrer: Mr. President, You have 90 seconds for rebuttal.

You: “(Blump) I... (blump)... I, too, thank the University of Miami, and... (blump)... and... (blump)... and say our prayers are with the good people of this state, who have (blump) suffered a lot... (blump)

Karl Rove must have been talking the loudest at first. That sounds like something he’d tell You to say. But then Cheney shoved him aside:

“September the 11th changed how America must look at the world,” Cheney and You said. “And since that day, our nation has been on a multi-prong strategy to keep our country safer.”

Multi-prong strategy! That’s when I knew Cheney had Your ear. By the way, that was a good **smurkle You did after You said multi-prong strategy.

Theory 3 about the electronic device also explains why You acted like You were hearing voices! You were hearing voices! Now I know why You YELLED! out of nowhere, “LET ME FINISH!!!” even though nobody had interrupted you. The Flip-Flopping Frenchman and McNeill Lehrer looked at each other like they were both thinking, “What’s his problem?”

Anyway, I know just how You felt. Viola and I have been married for more than twenty years, and I still can’t teach her to not talk to me when I’m on the phone! I’ll be putting in an order of vegetables for my grocery store and Viola will say, “Carl, look at the kittens! They’re climbing the curtains! Aren’t they cute?!

And the next thing you know I’m putting in an order for four dozen kittens and a pound of curtains! I can only keep track of one thing at a time!

Which is exactly what happened to You when all those cooks kept spoiling Your broth! Remember when You got confused and Yelled!: “OF COURSE WE’RE AFTER SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!... (blump)... I mean bin Laden...”

I was afraid You were going to YELL!: “WOULD YOU GUYS STOP TALKING ALL AT ONCE?!!!”

Anyway, I was glad You got the bugs worked out in Debate II. Ha ha--bugs! Get it? From now on, make sure You only have one person at a time talking to You on Your electronic device--and that person is Cheney! That guy knows everything! Also, in Debate III--The Rubbermatch!, wear the fighter pilot’s jumpsuit! It’s more heroic looking than that French-tailored number. Also it’ll be easier to hide Your electronic device.

By the way, I thought of a new TV ad You should make. It would “define” the difference between You and the Flip-Flopping Frenchman, once and for all! Remember in Debate I, when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman was complimenting You on Your daughters? Here’s what You said about Your daughters:

“I'm trying to put a leash on them.” (Smurkle)

And then the Flip-Flopping Frenchman said:

“Well, I don't know. I've learned not to do that, Mr. President.”

Make a commercial that shows that byte, and then an ominous voice says:

“George W. Bush keeps His daughters on a leash. The Flip-Flopping Frenchman doesn’t. How can the Flip-Flopping Frenchman make AMERICA SAFE! if he can’t even keep his daughters on a leash? You decide...”

While the ominous voice is talking, show some pictures of American guards holding naked Abu Ghraib prisoners on a leash! Then the American people will see how You’re keeping them SAFE!

Good luck in Debate III: The Rubber Match!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

Glossary of Terms

*Blump: When You get a blank look on Your face because Your stumped. A blump may occur when asked about past mistakes or when You talk about “OB/GYN’S sharing their love.”

**Smurkle: When You smirk and chuckle at the same time. Works well when You say a foreign leader’s name like “Prime Minister Iyad Allawi,” and You don’t mess up.

 

 
 
 
 
 


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