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Friday, October 08, 2004
October 9, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

Uh-oh. I just remembered something. The Flip-Flopping Frenchman has a nickname we forgot about. Here’s the Flip-Flopping Frenchman’s nickname:

“The Closer.”

They call him “The Closer” because whenever he races, he trots way behind the pack and he wanders around the track looking at the sun and the birds and the trees, and the press says he’s “dead in the water” and his fans wring their hands and tear their hair and say, “What’s he doing?!” and his opponent gets cocky and says stuff like, “There’s no doubt in my mind! I’m going to win!” And then guess what?

He closes! Those long legs start pumping like pistons and his eyes get cold and they fix on his opponent’s back, and that back keeps getting closer with every stride til You can feel his hot breath on Your neck, and You’re getting tired but he’s just getting started and You’re gulping air but he’s a machine and: Presto!

You’re looking at “The Closer’s” back and you try to grab his shirt to slow him down but he’s out of reach and pretty soon you can hardly see him anymore.

“The Closer.”

Ask Bill Weld. Ask John Edwards. Ask Howard Dean. They’ll tell you. He’s “The Closer.”

I first remembered that when I was watching the debate last night. On the very first question, “The Closer” said:

“The president didn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, so he's really turned his campaign into a weapon of mass deception.

“Uh oh,” I thought. “The Curse of ‘The Closer.’ How is My President going to fight off that sound byte?”

Here’s what You did: You YELLED!

“I DON’T SEE HOW YOU CAN LEAD THIS COUNTRY IN A TIME OF WAR, IN A TIME OF UNCERTAINTY IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND BECAUSE OF POLITICS!!!”

I thought, “Hmm...YELLING! My President has an interesting strategy. Let’s see where He goes with this.” Then, when “The Closer” said:

“I would have used that force wisely, I would have used that authority wisely, not rushed to war without a plan to win the peace... This president rushed to war, pushed our allies aside. And Iran now is more dangerous, and so is North Korea, with nuclear weapons. He took his eye off the ball, off of Osama bin Laden...”

I thought, “This is a great opportunity for My President to try His new YELLING! strategy. And You did! Here’s what You YELLED!:

“SADDAM HUSSEIN WAS A THREAT BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE GIVEN WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION TO TERRORIST ENEMIES!!!”

“Ok,” I thought. “That works.” It’s like going to a foreign country where nobody speaks English. Sometimes you have to YELL! really loud and wave your arms so the foreigners will understand.

Speaking of foreigners, You YELLED!:

“I KNOW HOW THESE PEOPLE THINK!!! I MEET WITH THEM ALL THE TIME!!! I TALK TO TONY BLAIR ALL THE TIME!!! I TALK TO SILVIO BERLUSCONI!!!”

When You talk to “these people,” do you YELL! and wave your arms around so they can understand You? Just wondering.

But then, “The Closer” started closing. He tossed off sound bytes like dealer in a poker game!

“If Missouri, just given the number of people from Missouri who are in the military over there today, were a country, it would be the third largest country in the coalition, behind Great Britain and the United States.”

Ace!

“The president is just trying to scare everybody here with throwing labels around. I mean, compassionate conservative, what does that mean? Cutting 500,000 kids from after-school programs, cutting 365,000 kids from health care, running up the biggest deficits in American history.

King of Spades!

“Mr. President, you're batting 0 for 2.”

Jack of Diamonds!

And because You are a Strong and Decisive Leader Who Stays the Course and Never Changes His Mind because He Never Makes a Mistake, You did the only thing You could do--You YELLED! some more:

“HE’S JUST NOT CREDIBLE WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT BEING FISCALLY CONSERVATIVE!!! HE’S JUST NOT CREDIBLE!!! IF YOU LOOK AT HIS RECORD IN THE SENATE, HE VOTED TO BREAK THE CAPS--THE SPENDING CAPS--OVER 200 TIMES!!! AND HERE HE SAYS HE’S GOING TO BE A FISCAL CONSERVATIVE ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! IT’S JUST NOT CREDIBLE!!!”

You didn’t only YELL! You waved Your arms a lot, too.

But I was relieved to see You had been practicing Your reaction faces when “The Closer” was talking. This time You didn’t *smowl and You didn’t **confinkle and You didn’t do a single ***Triple Reverse Cheney! (See glossary.)

But you still were ****bluttering a lot. When You blink really fast like a fluttering hummingbird, that’s bluttering. It can be distracting to the American people. Before the next debate, practice not bluttering. Don’t *****jutter either. A jutter is like a blutter, except You do it with Your jaw instead of Your eyes. Usually, You jutter when You’re getting really mad, but You’re not allowed to smowl or confinkle or blutter, so You jutter.

Also, I noticed You ******futtering a lot. (Also known as *******banjo-foot because it looks like when a banjo player taps his foot when he’s pickin’ fast and furious.) We didn’t have to worry about You futtering in the last debate because Your banjo-footwas behind the podium.

I guess You’ll be behind a podium in the next debate too. So we won’t have to worry about futtering, but You still should practice watching tapes of “The Closer” without bluttering or futtering.

Speaking of “The Closer,” I noticed whenever You were YELLING!, he watched You with an amused look on his face. He looked like my wife’s cat when he has a mouse cornered, and he’s thinking, “I can’t wait to squash this thing, but it’s kind of fun watching it run around, too.”

Maybe that’s what You should do. Pretend You’re a cat when “The Closer” is talking! Practice looking amused! Practice in the mirror! Remember that picture of my cat I sent You? Study it! Let me know if You lost it. I’ll send You another one.

I can’t wait til these debates are over and we can get back to the campaign. How much money do you have left for TV commercials?

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada


Glossary of Terms

*Smowl: A cross between a smirk and a scowl.

**Confinkle: When You get confused and wrinkle Your forehead.

***Triple-Reverse-Cheney: When You get mad and You grab the side of Your mouth in Your teeth and tilt downward.

****Blutter: When You get nervous and blink Your eyes really fast so they flutter like a hummingbird.

*****Jutter: When You grind your teeth and flutter Your jaw. Usually happens when You’re really mad and trying not to smowl, confinkle, do a Triple-Reverse Cheney, or blutter.

******Futter: When You flutter Your foot. (See banjo-foot.)

*******Banjo-foot: When You tap Your foot like a banjo player when he’s pickin’ fast and furious. (See futter.)

 

 
 
 
 
 


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