Thursday, October 07, 2004
October 8, 2004
Tom “The Hammer” DeLay
242 Cannon HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Mr. Hammer,
Three House Ethics Committee rebukes in one week! We’re going for the Guiness! You’re the Babe Ruth of Ethics Committee Rebukes!
No wonder they call you “The Hammer!” Before you were the Babe Ruth of Ethics Comittee Rebukes, you were the Babe Ruth of Pest Exterminators! You made millions and millions of dollars at it. That’s probably why you became the Babe Ruth of House Minority Whips. You had lots of of practice “hammering” pests!
But lately, you’re the one who’s been getting “hammered!” First the bipartisan House Ethics Committee “hammered” you for offering a trade to Rep. Nick Smith. All you asked him to do was vote for your Medicare bill and you’d help his son win a primary race. I think Smith got the better deal--just one little vote and his son gets a career opportunity to die for! That’s not unethical--that’s generous!
Then the bipartisan Ethics Committee “hammered” you for using the Homeland Security Act to round up those Texas legislators who blew town to stall a redistricting vote. Don’t they know this is a “New World” we’re living in?! That bipartisan Ethics Committee is living in a “Pre-9-11 Mentality!”
But they still weren’t done “hammering” you! They “hammered” you again for hosting a golf tournament! Will you tell me what’s against the law about hosting a golf tournament? They said it was a fund raiser for energy lobbyists who were trying to get some legislation through Congress. But I think that’s just a smoke screen. Ha ha--smoke screen! Get it?
But the important thing is, they never pressed charges! You’re free to go! Here’s what you said:
“The Ethics Committee has done the right thing in dismissing (the) embellished allegations with bipartisan unanimity.”
You see? Case dismissed! No harm, no foul! They said so themselves:
“In view of the number of instances to date in which the committee has found it necessary to comment on conduct in which you have engaged, it is clearly necessary for you to temper your future actions to assure that you are in full compliance at all times with the applicable House rules and standards.”
I think the bipartisan House Ethics Committee has been out to get you ever since they rebuked you in 1999 for threatening to “hammer” a Washington lobby group if they hired a Democrat!
And they’re still not done with you! Now they say they might “hammer” you again for laundering corporate donations to Texas Republican campaigns. As soon as your indicted aides get out of court, the bipartisan Ethics Committee will go for Rebuke Number Five! We’re crushing the record book like a bug!
By the way, what’s your Favorite Country Western song of All-Time? Mine’s “Heartaches by the Number.” Remember that one? It’s got everything--great tune, great lyrics, and a message. I made up a song for you. Want to hear it? It goes like this:
(Sung to the tune of “Heartaches by the Number”)
Oh, I’ve got rebukes by the number,
Troubles by the score,
Every day I play fair less,
Each day you hammer me more.
Oh, I’ve got rebukes by the number,
In a game that I can’t win,
But the day that I stop counting,
That’s the day my job will end.
Rebuke Number One was trading favors,
I said I’d help out Smith’s son for a vote.
And Rebuke Number Two, I abused--
But the Texas Dems had left without a note.
Rebuke Number Three was raising money,
For the energy lobby that I wined and dined.
And now I’m looking down the road at--
Rebuke Number Four,
Or Five if your counting 1999.
Catchy, isn’t it? Who should we get to sing it? I was thinking Toby Keith. Or maybe Tim McGraw? You choose. I’d never argue with “The Hammer!”