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Saturday, October 02, 2004
October 4, 2004
James “The Handler” Baker
The Baker Group
1700 Rio Grande Street
Suite 120
Austin, TX 78701

Dear Mr. Baker,

How could you let this happen?! This is a train wreck!

I thought you had the debate “handled!” But you got snookered again! You “handled” it so FOX-News was in charge of the cameras. Good start. You “handled” it so the camera was only allowed to show the person talking. No reaction shots! Shrewd move.

But you were asleep at the switch! Here are the ominous signs you missed:

“We're providing all the networks' coverage and we're not going to follow directions from outside sources." --FOX-NEWS, Sept. 29

“The campaigns have agreed to this. We haven't.” --CNN, Sept. 29

“We will use pictures as we see fit.” --MSNBC, Sept. 29

The Liberal Media was conspiring against you, and you never saw it coming! And look at the disaster your little oversight has caused! They split-screened Our President to death, and now His poll numbers are plummeting faster than the national deficit!

No fair! Every time the Flip-Flopping Frenchman talked, they’d split the screen and there was Our President smowling! (A smowl is a cross between a smirk and a scowl.) Then the Liberal Media really showed their bias because when Our President talked, they’d split the screen and there was the Flip-Flopping Frenchman standing straight and tall, taking notes, and looking presidential! Dirty politics!

And it got worse. When the Flip-Flopping Frenchman said:

“I'll never give a veto to any country over our security. But I also know how to lead those alliances. This president has left them in shatters across the globe...”

There was Our President on the split screen, and do you remember what He was doing?

He was bluttering! (A blutter is when Our President gets nervous and blinks His eyes really fast so they flutter like a hummingbird.)

Then the Flip-Flopping Frenchman said:

“This president has made, I regret to say, a colossal error of judgment...”

And there was Our President on the split screen again. And this time He confinkled! (Confinkling is when Our President gets confused and wrinkles His forehead.)

Remember when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman said:

“The president's father did not go into Iraq, into Baghdad, beyond Basra, and the reason he didn't is...because there was no viable exit strategy. And he said our troops would be occupiers in a bitterly hostile land. That's exactly where we find ourselves today."

This time, Our President smowled and bluttered and confinkled all at the same time! And then, the worst thing of all! Our President did a Triple-Reverse-Cheney! (You know how Dick Cheney’s mouth always tilts upwards? A Triple-Reverse-Cheney is when Our President gets mad and He grabs the side of His mouth in His teeth and tilts downward.) That was when I knew all was lost.

Anyway, with all due respect sir, this is the worst job of “handling” you’ve ever done! This is even worse than when you gave WMD(s) to Saddam Hussein! I’d advise Our President to fire you but I know He won’t. He’s still feeling loyal to you for “handling” His election in the Supreme Court.

But if you don’t do something fast, you’re going to have to go back to the Supreme Court to “handle” Our President’s election again! Here are three ways you can put out the fire right now:

1) From now on, make them black out the lights on Our President whenever the Flip-Flopping Frenchmen is talking. Come to think of it, have them black out the lights on the Flip-Flopping Frenchman when he’s talking, too.

2) Have Our President leave the stage whenever the Flip-Flopping Frenchman talks. He can stay off the stage while the moderator is asking questions, too. Just have Him come back when it’s His turn.

3) Call off the debates! The Liberal Media broke the rules! They will again! You never know what “gottcha” trick they’re going to pull out of their sleeves next! We were doing better with the commercials. Stick with what works!

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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